Queen of Pigs
by Eimii
Summary: Strange things are once again afoot in the mountains of China... Of course, they wouldn't be afoot the stupid bus driver hadn't let them off hundreds of miles from where they wanted to be. Just a short walk? Hah! Like I haven't heard that one before...
1. Learning the steps

[Standard Disclaimer: You know the drill, folks ^_^! I don't own this setting or any of these fine characters, other than perhaps those that i created myself, and even then i'm sort of wary about claiming responsibility. You never know what original characters might do O_o;... At any rate please don't sue me! I have no money, and i live in a foreign land; i don't wanna be deported yet! Waaaah!  
  
~Eimii]  
  
  
  
  
  
Prologue: Learning the steps...  
  
  
  
  
  
"OW! Oh crap!"  
  
Stumbling when her foot found an unseen hollow in the silty riverbed, the young girl's eyes widened fearfully as the shimmering surface of the water rushed up to meet her. Frantically windmilling her arms, she bent her knees and stuck out her rear, trying to find her balance. Bunches of multi-colored fabric, before clutched carefully above water level, splashed around her legs, their damp weight dragging at her in the lazy current.  
  
At the time, crossing the shallow stream had seemed like a good idea. She hadn't seen it before, as far as she could recall, so it meant that she hadn't been running in circles all night through the dense, dark forest that covered the valley floor. Now, hefting the hem of her sodden robe out of the water to wring it between her hands, she cursed her decision. She should have just followed the river; surely there'd be a town or something along it at some point.  
  
The frown on her lips deepened as she stretched the cream and lavender folds of silk between her hands, noticing how a pink stain had spread from the thin vein of deeper red that trailed from above. A dull twinge of pain, momentarily forgotten in her panic, intruded again on her senses. At least she wasn't bleeding much, it seemed. *Gods, please let there be a village nearby...*  
  
As if in answer to her unspoken prayer, the booming peal of an iron bell split the air. It couldn't be more than perhaps a kilometer down river, probably less. A small smile of relief started to crack across the stony mask of long hardship that she wore, but the moment was short-lived. The trilling of the bell continued; now she could hear a hint of urgency in its cry. The whisper of shouts on the wind, less piercing than the call of iron, carried to her sharp ears, and then rising up from the ground, almost lost in the gentle murmur of the stream, was a rumble like distant thunder.  
  
*That sound... I know that sound!* An angry snarl suddenly overtook the frown on her pretty face. Almost before she'd thought about it, one foot placed itself in front of the other and then she was running, a riot of spray flying around her as she pounded downstream along the rocky shallows.  
  
  
  
"BOARS!" the town crier bellowed once again before continuing to pound on his bell. "GIT IN YER HOUSES AN' CLIMB THA ROOF! BOARS 'A COMIN'!" Running on sandaled feet, the lean, field-tanned man continued through the town, praying that he'd reach the river in time. The pack would probably turn at the water, or at least slow; hopefully enough for him to get away.   
  
A few others, mostly those who lived on the other side of the river, looked to have had the same idea. Most eschewed the low, rickety bridge; an ox cart laden with bamboo had been abandoned in the middle of it, perhaps in hopes that the boars would divert along the waterline instead of continuing on through the other side of town. Instead, people splashed and waded through the waist-high waters, making slow progress. Midway was probably far enough. The pigs wouldn't go out farther no matter now riled they got.  
  
For some, however, safety wasn't quite close enough. Turning only when the water swirled around his ankles, the crier could see a few farmers still running ahead of the dust cloud that rose along the western road. Shading his eyes, he could pick out individual boars as the huge pack thundered towards the town like a wave of living earth. One man fell just outside the line of houses that marked the edge of the village. The crier looked away; the unfortunate farmer would never have time to get to shelter before the beasts were upon him.  
  
His gaze diverted, he barely caught sight of a sun-streaked blur as it burst from the water a little upstream, a plume of spray rising behind it like the tail of a comet. Bouncing from roof to roof almost too fast to follow, weaving a rainbow trail of water droplets in the air, it finally fell to earth between the downed man and the leading edge of the pack. He thought he glimpsed a billowing swirl of white and a flicker of gold as the wall of brown bodies crashed upon them.   
  
Almost immediately the grunts and squeals of outrage seemed to change in tenor. Then, before his unbelieving eyes the carpet of raging swine seemed to explode outward from that point, dark forms flung in every direction by a great geyser of stone. Their wild charge broken, the confused animals that hadn't caught the brunt of the blast backed away warily, now circling the small patch of contested ground in their midst.   
  
It was a girl! As impossible as it seemed, it was the form of a young girl, surely no older than his own daughter, that stood protectively before the prone and frightened farmer. Draped across her frame were the dirty tatters of perhaps a once regal robe; the bright silk shroud swirled around her like a flame, curling and twisting in possibly the most terrifying aura he had ever seen. Not felt- he could actually see the thin green glow rolling off of her exposed fists as she stared down the boars! Most striking, though, was the flash of gold he had seen before, not part of her robes but actually a thick shock of blonde hair, crowning her head and framing her face like a halo of sunlight.  
  
The girl, if she truly was such a base creature of this earth and not a vision or a spirit of some sort, tensed, seeming to gauge the agitation of the boars that surrounded her. In a single motion she scooped up the farmer by the back of his shirt and hurled him high over the sea of frothing beasts. The crier was too stunned to flinch away as the man somehow cleared the entire half of the town that huddled against the river's west bank, flying over his head to land with an enormous splash in the deeper waters behind him.   
  
Just then, as if acting on some strategy beyond the ken of mere animals, three large males burst from the lines, attacking from three directions at once. One was batted to the side with ease, and another avoided. The third came in head low, aiming to take the girl's feet out from under her. It was met by a flickering of white silk, the shredded sleeve of the girl's robe sweeping across its back and leaving a bloody gash before deflecting the beast aside. Then, as if forgetting her remaining opponents, the golden-haired girl paused and set her feet, lowering her arms to her sides and facing the ground, eyes closed. A fourth boar was caught in the midst of a leap for the girl's exposed back when the street around her erupted in a pillar of blinding light.  
  
  
  
As the old woman carefully shut the door behind them, blocking the awed and fearful gazes of the villagers clustered outside, the blond girl took a look around the inside of the house. A few of the farmers had found the courage to approach her, or at least leave their houses, once the boars had been dealt with. She'd scratched the word for 'medicine' in the dirt, hoping that someone would be able to read it; the dialects in this region were just so much gibberish to her ears, and apparently none of them spoke Mandarin or Cantonese.   
  
In fact, it almost seemed too much to ask that any of them might be literate. It had been a terrible relief when this old woman had approached, visibly unfazed by the wide crater that the girl stood in or the dead or unconscious boars that littered the ground around them, and beckoned her to follow. The other witnesses had trailed at a respectful distance as they walked down the beaten earth road, crossed the bridge, and entered a weathered hovel at the far edge of the village.  
  
It appeared her message had been well received; the smell of spices almost choked the musty air within the small house, and clay jars of various sizes lined several rows of shelves. An ancient, beaten-iron kettle sat upon a cold brazier in a far corner of the room, next to the darkened portal that led deeper into the house. Here and there, an acupressure chart or other medical document resided on the stained walls, and a pile of books, worn but not dusty, sat upon a long counter that could double as an examination bench. Beside them rested a dog-eared sheaf of notes, held in place by a heavy stone mortar and pestle that were lightly flecked with some grayish-green powder.   
  
Resting her aged frame in a comfortable looking chair that she pulled out from the round table that occupied the center of the room, the woman gestured for the girl to the do the same. When they were both settled, she began to speak in the tongue that the villagers used. Noting the look of incomprehension that her guest wore, she tried a few other dialects, each again met with failure, before finally reaching into a wicker box on one shelf and extracting a sheet of thin white paper. A wiry brush and ink pot were produced next, and she scribbled something in quick, neat hand, before passing the page and the writing utensil across the table to the other girl.  
  
'You have our thanks, stranger. Have you eaten?'  
  
The girl glanced over the simple greeting, pleasantly surprised by the ease of the old woman's manner. Taking the brush in hand, she fashioned her response. 'I have not, but I am more concerned about other things. I am ill.'  
  
'So you sought me. Were you injured in the fight?'  
  
'No, but...' The golden-haired girl paused, mulling over how she could address this topic. Suddenly, she was very glad that they were separated by a language barrier, as she'd never in a million years be able to stand explaining this aloud. '... I am bleeding. I have been bleeding for the last two days, and I have pains.'  
  
'Bleeding? Where?' To the old woman's trained eye, the young warrior didn't move as though she was walking with any wounds that might be serious enough to arouse worry.   
  
The girl's reply was a rushed, messy scribble. Strain and mortification vied for dominance on her flushed face as she passed the paper back again. 'From down _there_.'   
  
'Is it not your time?' The apothecary penned carefully, now considering how best to examine this outwardly healthy looking girl, almost a woman really, for the more subtle symptoms of various ailments.  
  
'Time? For what?'  
  
  
  
The eye of the sun was just peeking above the tree line as she crested the first rise on the path away from the village. She was glad to be on the road again; though grateful, the villagers had been overawed to the point of terror by her display, and had run away whenever she approached. Only the village wise woman seemed immune. From the way the stern old gal moved, the girl suspected that she'd practiced the Art in her younger days; she could tell a ki attack from 'divine wrath,' or whatever the others thought she'd done.   
  
The girl had spent the night at the old woman's house after an exhaustive, and difficult, explanation on the nature of her 'illness.' *Ugh... I can't believe girls have to go though... _that_, every month.* She could still barely stand to think about it. Aside from advice, the woman had given her some herbs to chew on that helped to alleviate some of the cramping, though she'd suggested that it was at least partially stress. *Imagine that...*  
  
Shifting uncomfortably at the memory, the girl's hand moved to nervously finger the strap of the rucksack slung over her shoulder. Though she'd protested that there was no need, the old woman had later made rounds through the village to collect some traveling supplies for her. She'd been given enough food and water for several days, a few fresh sets of clothing, and some other essentials. Compared to the silken caress of the robes she'd been wearing, the rough cotton of the simple tunic and trousers she'd donned that morning felt almost like returning home after a long journey; it brought a small, hopeless smile to her face.  
  
The wise woman had said that Nichiejuu, the village of the Amazons, was less than two days travel down the road. She would go there first, if she could. *Shampoo's great grandmother always was full of useful information about this kind of stuff; maybe they'll know something about it...* Pausing in her purposeful stride, she turned to look up and back at the fog-shrouded heights of the mountains that surrounded the valley. Somewhere up there, her answer might lie... *No.* She shook her head angrily. *I'm not going back. I'd never be able to find it again, anyhow.*  
  
As she was about to start walking again, a faint rustle in the brush to one side of the road alerted her to the presence of someone sneaking up behind her. Setting herself into a guarded stance, she glared into the shadows beneath the canopy, emerald green eyes livid with menace. For a few tense moments, she found nothing. Then, glittering in the underbrush, she caught another pair of eyes no less feral than her own. Beyond them she could feel the stares of others upon her, and the shadows moved with restless energy.  
  
The first boar, the one she'd locked gazes with, was a grizzled gray male; it moved with a slight limp as it trundled out onto the road. The others that followed, young and old, were similarly battered, though none so badly that they couldn't run. These few, barely half the number that had charged upon the town in chase of some foolish hunter, were all that remained of the pack. The villagers would be eating salt-pork all winter long, though she'd declined to take any with her; the thought of eating pig made her nauseous.  
  
That didn't mean that she had any compunctions about killing a few more of the foul things, however. Boars were a menace; they were smart enough to hold a grudge but stupid and stubborn enough to not know when to give up. They didn't stick to any particular territory for very long either, so even if you ran they tended to come for payback when you least expected it. If these ones wanted revenge, she'd be almost happy to redefine the term 'vindictive' for them. A cruel smile stretched across her lips, baring a set of fangs almost as sharp as the cutting tusks of the old boar; she _really_ hated pigs.  
  
For several seconds nothing moved; the boars met her baleful glare with an unreadable, almost eerie silence. Then, in a motion of nearly obscene incongruity, the hulking gray battle wagon of a pig folded his trotters under his body and knelt on the ground, head low, emitting a quiet grunt of acquiescence. Like a release of tension rippling though the crowd, the other boars turned away and began to wander about unconcernedly, scraping the ground for forage or lying in the shade beside the road.  
  
*Huh??* Still holding herself ready to strike out in any direction, the girl glanced around at the boars, a look of irritated incomprehension stamped on her face. She only relaxed her stance slightly after almost two minutes without any sign of renewed hostility. Even then, narrowed eyes continued to watch the animals guardedly. Backing a few meters away from the quiescent pack, not much leeway for any normal person but plenty of room for her to react if necessary, she hesitantly returned her eyes to the road before her. *What the hell was that all about?*  
  
She only got a couple steps before a bustle of motion behind her made her turn. The pigs weren't milling aimlessly anymore. Two score of beady little eyes regarded her retreating back, but she could detect no malice; only... anticipation? Still looking over her shoulder, she took a few experimental strides. The pigs advanced by about the same distance, some getting ahead of the others and a few lagging behind.  
  
It took almost every shred of self-control she had to keep from losing it right there. She already despised them, and it would be so easy to vent all of her pent-up anger and frustration on the stupid things. She was sure she'd feel much better afterward; maybe even the cramps would go away...  
  
But that wasn't how an honorable warrior would behave. She'd already defeated them, and they weren't _really_ menacing her at the moment, so it was with great reluctance that she faced forward and began walking again, a bit faster than before. She thought of shooing them away, but pigs could be unpredictable and fast to aggression, and she was trying so _hard_ to do the right thing. *Gods, what did I do to deserve this?*  
  
She tried vainly to block their presence from her mind. She quickened her pace, unblinking stare fixed forward; unnoticed, one eyebrow began to twitch spasmodically. Behind her, the quiet rumble of many animals moving at an unhurried pace changed to the tune of 80+ hooves striking a dusty road at a swift trot. Telling herself that she wasn't running away, just making the most of the daylight while it lasted, she leaned forward into a brisk jog, barely noticing as the ground turned uneven under her feet; densely packed jungle posed no obstacle for her. It was the damn pigs' own fault if they couldn't keep up.  
  
*Why does it always have to be _PIGS_?!* she didn't ask, for she already knew the answer. The entire world hated Hibiki Ryouga. Man, nature, and even the gods themselves delighted in tormenting her at every turn. And especially the pigs...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Queen of Pigs  
  
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Author's Notes: Heh, as if anyone couldn't guess who it was from the first paragraph... or even from the disclaimer, if anyone out there remembers me ^_^;. At any rate, this is sort of an experimental fic, to try out FanFiction.net and to see if i remember how to write. If it works out, i might start posting some of my older stuff on here... which i _haven't_ abandoned yet! Either way, thanks for reading! Please drop me a line and please C&C... or R&R, or whatever it's called around here...  
  
~Eimii  
  
  
  
  
  
Omake! Eimii's Educational Corner (or, 'What The Heck Was THAT All About?!'): The separate regional dialects of Chinese are oftentimes so different from each other that they might as well be completely different languages. Despite this, however, they do share a (largely) unified writing system. In some of the standard dialects, at least, the phrase 'Have you eaten yet?' is a common greeting.] 


	2. Hit the ground running!

[Standard Disclaimer+1 (new and improved!): Here we go again! Like (almost?) everyone else on the fanfiction side of the house, i don't actually own the bulk of the characters that i'm writing, and i don't claim any rights to reproduction or anything even remotely legal like that. Please don't sue me! I have no money, and even if i did, i'm not sure how much i can send out of the country ^_^;. Author's notes after the chapter, for everyone who was waiting and who asked questions in their reviews for the prologue!   
  
~Eimii]   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Why did it have to be like this? Had she offended the fates in some way, that they would conspire to rob her life of happiness? For a long time, she simply stared at her feet, lost in her own dark thoughts. How long had it been since she'd simply been held by someone? Had she ever just smiled, without a hint of estimation, a glint of challenge sparkling in her eye? She couldn't remember. *So long ago...* At quiet times like this she felt so very alone; a chill shivered through her, as though the long, cold shadows of duty and history were trying to swallow her alive.  
  
Consciously taking hold of herself, she pushed the emptiness back down inside. It wouldn't do for him to see her like that. He tried so hard for her. She knew with utter certainty that his every waking moment was dedicated to the protection of her happiness and her honor. Every time she saw him, she felt her heart swell with warmth, and she could almost forget the loneliness. She couldn't bear to hurt him, even if his love was the root of all her pain.   
  
"Child, come speak with me awhile before you leave," rang a stern voice from above, reedy with age yet still wrought of iron and fire, spirit unbroken by the countless years passed.  
  
"Coming!" she replied, thankful that her own voice was steady. Kicking off her shoes in the genkan, she took a moment longer to compose herself before ascending the stairs. Sliding open the first door, she shut it behind her and dutifully knelt beside the wizened figure at the center of the room. "How are you feeling this morning, Grandfather?"  
  
"Well enough child, well enough; If that buffoon you call a father didn't insist I stay cooped up in here, I'd be teaching a class right now," the old man huffed irritably, though it was clear that none of his ire was aimed at the pretty young girl beside him. "How are you, Granddaughter," he asked, favoring her with a look that was perhaps a little too expectant.  
  
"I'm fine, Grandfather," she answered quickly, wishing to allay any suspicions that he might have. She didn't want to worry him... or disappoint him. "School has gotten easier, and there were even some new transfer students not long ago-"  
  
"You'll be turning sixteen soon, won't you?" It was more of a statement than a question.  
  
"I'm sixteen now, Grandfather," she corrected with a slight blush. "My birthday was last month."   
  
The old man regarded her for a moment, as if trying to decide whether she was lying to him or not, then finally let out a tired breath, seeming to deflate slightly. "You know I worry for you child. You know that I mean only the best for your future."  
  
"I know, Grandfather. I remember my promise."  
  
It wasn't an answer, really, but he could hear the conviction in the girl's voice. Shaking his head slightly, he relented. "I've heard tell that there are many strapping young lads over in Tokyo; practically falling from the sky, they say. Perhaps, if you're having such an easy time at school now, you could take a train over there and have a look?" The suggestion was offered with a warm, paternal smile.  
  
"If you think that would be best, Grandfather," she murmured demurely, standing as she sensed that the conversation was at an end. "I will probably be late for supper then. Please don't give father too hard a time? He tries..."  
  
"Bah... Only for you, Akari-chan."  
  
Descending to the foyer, Unryuu Akari found herself once again lost in her thoughts. *Tokyo...* She had never been to such a large city before. *So many people; could one of them be the one...?* Inside the hollow of her heart, she couldn't help but kindle a tiny flame of hope at the idea. Could it be true? Could an end to her loneliness at last be in sight? The uncertainty, the fear that this far off beacon of happiness might flicker out once again, was almost too painful to bear.  
  
But then, as she opened the front door, she saw him waiting for her. Those great soulful eyes filled with steadfast purpose, strong shoulders ready to protect and support her; she could feel that small warmth grow to encompass her entire body. "Katsunishiki..." A genuine smile alighted on her lips as she approached her guardian, her champion. "We're going to Tokyo today."  
  
The smile finally reached her eyes as he absorbed this, understanding and renewed determination conveyed to her in a deep bass rumble. How could she fault him? His devotion was unwavering, his strength of character unparalleled in all the world. She could only wish to be so noble, so wonderful as the creature that stood before her, his every breath a fulfillment of her family's legacy and ideals. Her grandfather couldn't be wrong, except perhaps in the sad mistake that there could be any human man that could hope to match the natural perfection that was a pig. But if such a man existed, she knew that Katsunishiki would find him.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Queen of Pigs  
  
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction  
  
Chapter One: Hit the ground running! Oh, and try not to trip...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*Can it be true...?* Scarcely believing her own eyes, she stood transfixed as the weak, guttering spark of hope in her breast burst into a roaring flame of triumph. She couldn't help it; tears of joy streamed down her cheeks as she gripped the railing before her, hoping against hope that this single, sublime moment was real.  
  
It felt like she'd spent forever and a day waiting for this. Endless miles of frustration and despair stretched behind her like a long shadow cast in the blinding light of deliverance, her goal always dancing just out of reach.  
  
Now, with the fruits of her unwavering patience and determination in her grasp at last, she knew that they were sweet indeed. After all the schemes and disappointments, all the torturous days and restless nights, her long ordeal was at an end. *It's finally over...* She sucked in a deep, shuddering breath, and to her it tasted of freedom.  
  
  
  
  
"Doesn't it just break your heart, dearest?," the tall man murmured, voice thick with emotion as he gestured at the young woman who stood at the aft railing, gazing forlornly at dwindling shore. "I'll bet it's her first trip away from home, and at such a tender age! Look how her family has all come to send her off..."  
  
"Put on your glasses, you blind idiot!" The woman beside him snapped, slapping him on the back of the head. "Those are _pigs_, not people!"  
  
Indeed, lined all along the cramped ferry docks were a veritable army of swine. With that many wild animals wandering free in the city you'd expect there to be a giant ruckus. But aside from worrying the port authority into a quivering bundle of nerves, all they seemed to be doing was standing there.  
  
Begrudgingly, though, she had to admit that it did kind of look like they were seeing the ferry off. The entire lot of them were on their feet, heads turning in unison as the slow boat lazily plied its way out of the sound. She could almost imagine one or two of them waving farewell, or perhaps wiping wet eyes with a handy handkerchief.  
  
And the girl _was_ staring back at the shore. Though her eyes were lost in the shadow of her thick fringe, glistening tear tracks ran down the girl's face, shining in the light of the setting sun. How had the nearsighted fool caught that? Maybe he hadn't...  
  
"And besides," she huffed, dismissing the absurd idea, "she's not _that_ young. And she's obviously a foreigner. Look at her hair, or are you colorblind too?"  
  
  
*****  
  
  
*There he is!* A thrill of anticipation rippled through her body, attuning every muscle to taut readiness as she crouched in the shadow of a large tree and observed her quarry. The pigtailed boy seemed blissfully unaware of her presence. All the better... Wait! He'd stopped abruptly, and was turning! Had he sensed them?   
  
A dark form at her back shifted restlessly, but stilled after a warning glance out of the corner of her eye; the game wasn't up yet. The boy had stopped turning before his gaze swept their hiding spot, and he was looking at something off in the distance. Now was the time to strike! But how to go about it? She considered her usual approach, but dismissed it reluctantly. This would have to be handled more carefully...  
  
  
  
  
*Aw maaan, Akane ain't gonna be happy about this,* the young martial artist concluded with a sigh of exasperation. Not for the first time, he wondered at how timing and circumstance always seemed to align against him. It was like there was some great, cosmic conspiracy to cast Saotome Ranma in the worst possible light in the eyes of his fiancé.   
  
As he tried to conceive of some way to defuse the explosive situation that was rapidly developing around him, a peculiar notion occurred to him. If the universe really was out to get him, then it was probably about now that someone would appear out of nowhere and attack him, screaming about vengeance or panties or something stupid like that.  
  
But that was just plain silly. Saotome Ranma wasn't the sort to linger on pointlessly morbid trains of thought, so he dismissed the idea. The only person he knew who was that paranoid was probably somewhere far, far away right now, cursing his existence for some imagined sleight.   
  
*... Damn, wouldn'cha know it?* he observed, as the small hairs on the back of his neck chose just that moment to stand on end and scream for attention. He noticed the faint shadow cast on the ground around him just in time to look up, a chagrinned expression on his face.  
  
'SAOTOME RANMA!! FOR REASONS WHICH HAVE NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ANYTHING OR ANYBODY THAT YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY KNOW OF OR REMEBER, SINCE YOU'RE A STUPID, COWARDLY, FORGETFUL JERK, I'VE EXPERIENCED HELL BECAUSE OF YOU! AND I REFUSE TO EXPLAIN THAT STATEMENT FURTHER, SO DON'T EVEN ASK! BUT YOU STILL OWE ME, SO TAKE ME TO THE NEKOHANTEN!'  
  
  
  
  
Staring down at the unconscious pigtailed boy at her feet, then around at the splinters of signboard scattered around them, Ryouga released a quiet sigh. Crossing her arms over her knees and crouching down, she prodded her catch warily with the truncated handle in her hand. Turning him over revealed a slightly crumpled look of incredulity still frozen on Ranma's face. She sighed again, regretfully; it just wasn't the same...   
  
Also, she'd put a lot of effort into crafting that sign so that it conveyed the depths of her suffering and the might of her fury at Ranma, while at the same time hopefully discouraging too much deep thought about the nature of her particular grievance. She'd been rather proud of the large and clear, vibrantly red lettering. Maybe she shouldn't have hit him so hard with it. Damn Ranma and his stupid, thick skull.  
  
Not thick enough though, as it had apparently worked a bit _too_ well. Idly, Ryouga wondered why Ranma hadn't simply gotten out of the way, just like every other time she'd announced herself. In fact, the pigtailed boy hadn't even looked up until she was almost on top of him. He probably hadn't even had time to read her message. And after all the work she'd put into it! Inconsiderate bastard...  
  
*Wait... it couldn't be... could it?!*  
  
A thunderbolt of Inspiration struck the blonde wanderer, and she experienced a moment of profound clarity. *Why didn't see it before?! It's so simple!* Leaping to her feet, she stood seemingly transfixed upon Ranma's still form, one hand clutched into a fist before her. Beneath her thick, obscuring bangs, her lips were formed into a small 'o' of surprise.  
  
Slapping the fist down onto the palm of her other hand, Ryouga closed her mouth and nodded to herself. *The sign was too big! There's no way even Ranma would be able to get out of the way in time...* The moment passed, and Ryouga began contemplating how best to streamline the message just in case she got lost and had to get Ranma's attention again. Inspiration stalked off to sulk behind a convenient thundercloud.  
  
Suddenly, Ryouga's recent epiphany was vindicated, as she successfully evaded an equally silent but much smaller object aimed at her own head. Eyes immediately drawn to the festively decorated bonbori that was embedded in the street where she'd been standing just a heartbeat before, Ryouga's gaze traced the haft of the weapon upward to the arm that was still attached to it, then further along the arm, hastily detouring around the whole upper torso area, until she finally arrived at the face of one very pissed looking amazon.  
  
"What strange billboard girl think she doing to Shampoo's airen?!" the Chinese girl demanded, gesturing threateningly at Ryouga with her other bonbori.   
  
*Shampoo?! What's she doing here?!* Reflexively backing away from the other girl's accusing glare, Ryouga took a quick glance around. *I'm not at the Nekohanten already, am I?*  
  
Unfortunately for the directionally challenged girl, her goal was nowhere in sight. Actually, that large building behind them looked an awful lot like Furinkan High School... or so she assumed. Schools tended to look a lot alike to her, since she hadn't attended one in quite some time, but this one definitely seemed a little familiar.   
  
She didn't recognize any of the students wandering around or watching the scene they were making, but there was just... something about it. Maybe it was the shape of the building, or the landscaping out front. Perhaps it was the hideously ugly bronze statue of a Hawaii-freak holding a pineapple and a set of trimming shears that stood just inside the gates.  
  
On top of that, Ranma and Shampoo's presence might be a good indicator that she had indeed found Furinkan High School, and without even trying either! *But if Ranma's here, then that must mean... Akane!* Her heart leaping into in her throat, Ryouga frantically began scanning the area for the girl she adored, but this time dread overshadowed the joy that bloomed in her heart. *Oh no- I can't let Akane see me like this!*  
  
"YOU LISTEN TO PEOPLES WHEN THEY TALKING!!"  
  
Ryouga hopped a meter and a half up and away in shock as the shout echoed painfully in her ears. Once she seemed confident that she had everyone's undivided attention, the amazon put away the megaphone and continued. "Shampoo not know who you is, or why you try to keep airen from taking Shampoo out for too-too wonderful date, but if girl with silly-looking dye job get in Shampoo's way, she become obstacle, and-"  
  
"OBSTACLES ARE FOR KILLING!!" several nearby students chorused along with the purple-haired girl, a few of them striking some very credible, amazon-esque poses.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
With an almost audible blink, a pair of colorfully coifed heads turned as one to stare in confusion at the growing crowd. *That's... new...* Ryouga mused uneasily, glancing between Shampoo and the students and praying that the China contingent hadn't established some sort of local amazon enclave while she was gone. Aside from her beloved Akane- and the entirely pleasant and tolerable Kasumi- the girls in Tokyo were strange enough already...  
  
"Shampoo... not sure what just happen...," said she lavender locks slowly, seeming to choose her words with great care. The students who had shouted, mostly girls, were smiling at her in a rather unnerving way. "But she no think she like it. Shampoo starting to think she never understand crazy Japanese people; maybe is good thing, yes?" Ryouga couldn't argue with that logic.  
  
"But is true anyway," Shampoo admitted, focusing a slightly less vehement glare on the blonde. "Obstacles are for killing. Shampoo think maybe you not worth killing yet, but Shampoo still have to punish for hitting Airen on head and making him late for date." With that, the amazon assumed an aggressive stance and began advancing on the lost girl.  
  
*AARGH! Noooo, I can't fight Shampoo!* Looking rather flustered, Ryouga found herself backing away from her newfound opponent. The prospect of getting the Kiss of Death for beating Shampoo was decidedly unattractive, but she didn't relish the thought of letting the amazon use her for a punching bag either. More importantly, every moment that she was at the school, the chance that Akane might see her increased. *I've gotta get out of here!*  
  
Seeing that despite her earlier actions, fighting wasn't foremost in the other girl's mind, Shampoo remembered that she had a date to keep. She took the blonde's moment of indecision to leap in for a quick knockout. "KYAAaieeaaaAAAH-!?!"  
  
-and was suddenly intercepted in midair by a hulking brown blur that seemed to explode from a small patch of shrubbery next to the school gates. Tumbling out of control, the Chinese amazon only had time to gasp in horror at the leering mug of Kunou-kouchou before she collided head-first with the tasteless statue and the world went dark.  
  
Meanwhile, the mob in the courtyard hastily moved to make plenty of room for the recent arrival. It wasn't so much that they feared it more than an angry amazon or a juicy-looking cat fight, or even that it took up that much more space. Mostly, it was the fact that it's not every day you see a wild boar the size of a compact car leap out of a bush no bigger than a telephone booth; who knew what other sorts of giant ninja wildlife might be lurking nearby? Uneasy murmurs filled the crowd.  
  
Releasing a sigh that was just half a nervous breakdown from being a sob, Ryouga warily approached the fallen amazon. Behind her, the pig's angry, bloodshot eyes still watched the crowd for other challengers as he trotted protectively up to his mistress. *Whew, that was close- I guess it's good for something after all...,* the blonde mused grudgingly, noting that Shampoo was every bit as KOed as Ranma. Unfortunately, now she had no one to guide her to the Nekohanten. She supposed she'd have to just ask one of these strangers...  
  
"Hey, what's all the commotion about? And what on earth is that thing?!"  
  
Ryouga's blood nearly froze in her veins as the voice, that sweet, wonderful voice registered. *AKANE! NOOOooOOOooOO!* In flash of terror-stricken insight, she remembered that pigs had an incredible sense of smell; a little-known fact she'd had opportunity to verify personally on several occasions. (Inspiration cheered and danced a little jig on her thundercloud, eliciting an ominous rumble from above.) It had never worked for her, of course, but just maybe the boar would be able to find his way to the Nekohanten by Shampoo's scent!  
  
  
  
  
Politely pushing her way through the throng, Tendou Akane caught a glimpse of the strange, but somehow unsurprising sight of a blond girl vaulting onto the shoulders of a giant boar. Laying the limp form of a familiar Chinese amazon across the animal's back, the girl pointed in a seemingly random direction and the beast obediently charged off, knocking down a few trees and smashing a sizeable hole in the courtyard wall in its flight.   
  
Nearby, Ranma lay in a pile of wood splinters, apparently knocked unconscious. *It figures...* Though she knew it was unfair, Akane couldn't shake the feeling that he probably deserved it somehow. Sighing to herself, she walked over to see if he was alright.  
  
  
  
  
"Daisuke my man, that has to have been the second biggest pig I've ever seen."  
  
"What pig?"  
  
"Hah! Couldn't take your eyes of the blond chick, eh?"  
  
"Could you? Daaamn, but she was fine, and did you see the size of her-"  
  
"Hold that thought; you realize that she appeared out of nowhere and attacked Ranma. She's probably another fiancé or something."  
  
"Hiroshi, _WHY_ did you have to say that? There might still be hope..."  
  
"MY DARLING SHAMPOO! Speak to me! Who did this to you?!"  
  
"Uhg... OW! Watch the hands, blind-boy; I ain't Shampoo! And before ya accuse me of it, I ain't done nothin' ta her either!"  
  
"It's good to see you so concerned about Shampoo getting kidnapped, Ranma..."  
  
"KIDNAPPED!? DAMN YOU, SAOTOME, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!? SHAMPOOO!!"  
  
"No Daisuke, I don't think so; no hope at all..."  
  
"..."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Authors notes: Whee! Sorry about taking so long to update (even though i had chapter one done already -_-;). I was out of town for Chuusok, the Korean Harvest Moon Festival, and miles away from the nearest internet connection. Did anyone guess who the 'mystery' folks were for the first couple sections? I sometimes wonder if i was being too oblique... Anyhow, now onto specific items: Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement ^_^! Especially to Jen-chan! I really ought to thank her and everyone else at Anime Freeform RPG (John, Trev, Michael, you know who you are...) who preread this, as well as Jim Nutley and T.H. Tiger; it's good to be working with you guys again! For those who asked: Yes, i am the same Eimii that wrote 'Shattered Hearts on the Road' and 'Fairy Tails' (the 'Bii'bi' thing ^_^;). I do plan on continuing them! Chapter 5 of Shattered Hearts is finished, and 6 is in progress. Chapter 2 of Fairy Tails is under scrutiny for major revision, but i'll get to it as soon as possible. With regard to Queen of Pigs, i hope this story isn't moving too slowly for you; i can't seem to get through a single day of in-story 'time' without 100kb of text, nowadays ;_;. Chapter 2 is finished (and ends the first day in Nerima!), but i may hold off on posting it until i'm closer to finishing chapter 3. Please bear with me here; it's a rocky road ahead, but hopefully it will be entertaining and light (for me) on angst...  
  
Thanks again for reading! Please C&C and review!  
  
~Eimii  
  
P.S.: Oh, and i really do applogize for any glaring continuity or grammar errors that you might notice. I've edited this so many times that i just _know_ that i've edited something important right out of existence. I sadly tend to do that quite often -_-;...] 


	3. One step forward

[Standard Disclaimer+2 of Lawyer Slaying: Alright, who wants some?! waves the disclaimer menacingly Thaaat's right; didn't think so... Okay, listen up! I don't own 'em, i just write 'em! That's just the way it is, and by Takahashi-sama, if anyone out there has something to say about it, they can speak to the swor- looks down -er, pen... keyboard? Whatever... O_o;... Okay, bye now! runs for cover

~Eimii]   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


****

Queen of Pigs 

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction 

Chapter Two: One step forward, two steps back, and sort of an odd shuffle to the side...   
  
  
  


__

Why is it that the boys_ never get kidnapped like this?_

It seemed horribly unfair to Akane that whenever some vengeful rival, member of foreign royalty, oni, ghost, or geriatric pervert came to town, looking to abduct/marry/fondle/consume someone, they invariably chose a girl as their victim. _Except when they grab Ranma, I guess..._ But that was neither here nor there; they usually regretted the mix-up later. 

It was still downright sexist and degrading. No matter how much the kidnapper hyped the whole deal about being chosen as an 'honor' or a 'compliment,' she couldn't think of many other experiences that were quite as humiliating. Sure, the boys had their fair share of being led on, tricked, enchanted, possessed, and cursed, but that happened to everyone... didn't it? 

"Aargh, I've been hanging around all these weirdoes that baka brought with him for too long..." Shaking her head in disgust, Akane decided to just chalk it up to 'boys being jerks.' The vast majority of the kidnappers were male, after all. The fact that a girl had abducted Shampoo just made it a bit more bizarre, though perhaps slightly less embarrassing, at least in her opinion. 

Thinking about strange people, however, brought Akane back to her appointed task. Girding herself for battle, the youngest Tendou sister prepared to enter one of the more notable dens of insanity that had come to characterize contemporary Nerima, the Nekohanten. Cologne would probably be helpful enough once she found out that Shampoo had been shanghaied, and it wasn't like her own home was any more normal. 

__

Hmm... Just a bit less hostile, maybe... Taking a deep breath, the proud heir of the Tendou Musabetsu-kakutou-ryuu brushed aside the store curtain and took a defiant step into the stronghold of the amazon invaders... 

...And abruptly stopped, only one foot across the threshold, to stare with almost comically wide eyes at the back of the restaurant. Either Cologne was in the process of wallpapering the room with some very tasteless shag carpeting, or there was something incredibly large, brown, and furry sitting at the rear table. 

The lumpy wall of fuzz began to move, slowly lifting a delicate china teacup in a pair of proportionately dainty hooves. Following the fluid vessel, Akane's attention was drawn to a set of jutting tusks and a distinctly porcine snout positioned near the top of the mass. 

__

Well that_ wasn't much of a kidnapping..._ she thought, edging a hair further away when the giant boar's beady little eyes flickered over to focus on her. They lingered on Akane only briefly before returning to the small table that the pig loomed over. There, in the shadow of the great animal, sat Cologne and the blonde girl from before. They were discussing something of significant gravity, if the crone's hard gaze was any indication... 

Then again, they might've been discussing the weather, or the best tea to serve to hostages; Cologne's gaze was _always_ hard. White noise from the TV in the corner and the curious murmurs of the remaining, spectacle-hungry patrons of the cafe made it hard for Akane to discern what the elder was saying, but occasionally the girl would nod or shake her head, both gestures betraying an urgent, skittish air about the newcomer. Slowly advancing on the rear table, Akane got her first good look at Shampoo's 'kidnapper.' 

She was very... _blonde,_ for one. Her thick tresses were a rich, golden hue, with a healthy luster and a blending of shades that spoke of heredity rather than design. Such beautiful hair... it seemed a shame that she apparently hadn't taken a comb to it in days. Hanging to the line of her jaw, it billowed like a lion's mane in the back, tamed only by a band of black and green patterned cloth that was pulled across the top and tied into a long-tailed knot at the nape of her neck. In the front, a wind-teased curtain of fringe hid her eyes in shadow. 

Her skin was lightly tanned, and her face, though attractive, had an odd, slightly sharp cast that struck Akane as a bit... wild, almost. The yearning, lost expression that she wore completed a profile that, while painted with exotic allure, was soft and vulnerable enough not to be threatening. _Wonderful, another cute girl for Ranma to compare me to every chance he gets,_ Akane mused acidly. 

From the neck down the view was a just a smidgen less striking. She wore a loosely fitted, Chinese-style saffron tunic with ties down the left side. It was belted at the waist, the remaining fabric falling in gentle folds over top of her earthy brown pants. Worn and faded, the clothes gave her a rustic look, and were very reminiscent of how the amazons and the other China travelers normally dressed. 

__

Another amazon, maybe? That would explain the hair, and maybe why she'd decide to 'abduct' Shampoo to the Nekohanten... It didn't shed much light on how the giant pig fit in, but Akane wasn't really sure she wanted to know the story behind that one. Aside from the boar, none of the occupants of the table seemed to take note of her approach, though she wouldn't bet on her ability to sneak up on Cologne. Still, feeling slightly curious about the affairs of the amazons, Akane paused just as she came within earshot of their hushed conversation. 

"... certain there is nothing more you can tell me?" Cologne was asking. At the girl's hesitant but affirming shake of the head, Cologne looked down and closed her eyes, a put upon sigh lending emphasis to the near-unreadable expression on her wrinkled face. "You haven't given me much to go on, child. There are a myriad of ways that the curse of Jusenkyou can become locked, but permanently, and with no other side effects? There is magic involved here, but what magic I cannot say..." 

__

Jusenkyou? Locked?! What... 

The girl's expression fell at Cologne's admission. She opened her mouth then hesitated, like she had something else to say, but she wasn't sure she wanted to. Seeming to notice this internal struggle, the boar grunted in an almost somber manner, stooping down to place a consoling hoof on her shoulder. Glancing up at the contact, a half-dozen emotions flickered across the girl's face in an instant. As she turned her head to face Cologne again, her gaze happened across Akane, watching them. 

Freezing like a deer caught in the of headlights of a semi, the blonde stared at her for several seconds, her face slowly settling into a mask of mute horror. Then, as if confirming Akane's initial impression that she looked like a spooked animal, she bolted from her seat and disappeared under the table. 

"Huh?! What-? Who-?" A glance up at the boar revealed a look of confusion mirroring her own. Well, not _exactly_ like hers, that sounded like something Ranma would say, but a close enough approximation to make it clear that the beast had no idea what had just happened. "Who _was_ that?!" Akane finished, turning her questing gaze to Cologne. 

The amazon elder, on the other hand, just looked mildly disgusted. "That, child, was-" Cologne paused, her gigantic eyes narrowing to squint carefully at Akane. "-nobody you know. Just a simple traveler that you shouldn't pay any mind to, because you've never met her before. Ever. Any resemblance that she bears to anyone you know is completely coincidental." 

"Er... okay..." Akane couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of the amazon's brush off. Cologne's speech was halting and stilted, like she were reading from a script, and even _she_ sounded rather dubious. Also, now that Akane looked closer, she realized Cologne wasn't peering at her at all. Rather, her scrutiny seemed to be focused on something just over Akane's shoulder. 

Spinning on her heel, Akane was again confronted by the blonde girl. _How'd she get behind me?_ she wondered, resisting the urge to take her eyes off the girl to look at the table. Standing considerably shorter than Akane, probably not even as tall as Ranma-chan or Shampoo, she looked torn between frantically trying to conceal a large wooden sign behind her back and trying to hide herself behind it instead. The sign was flipped around, but Akane had a pretty good idea of what was written on it. 

As they stared at each other, Akane trying to decide which bizarre behavior to question first, or whether to just leave well-enough alone, a slender arm slipped between them to touch the girl's face. Gently tilting up the smaller girl's chin, Shampoo glided up beside her and attempted to kiss her on the cheek. 

This seemed to startle the blonde into action. Scooting away from the amazon, she flipped the sign around, holding it protectively in front of her. Rather than revealing what Akane had suspected, however, it instead read, 'No, wait! Don't give me the-' **SMASH**

Akane didn't get a chance to read the rest, as Shampoo swept the sign from the girl's hands with a single swing of the bonbori. Backing away, the blonde reached behind her and somehow produced another one. 'You don't understand! I didn't-' **CRUNCH**

'Give me a second to-' **SNAP**

"Ah, great-granddaughter, you're awake. I don't suppose I need to ask how your date with Mukou-dono went?" 

'Please, listen to me! This is just a-' **BASH**

"Yes, is so sad, but Shampoo feel much better in just one second." 

'STOP! It wasn't-' **_WHOOSH_**

Akane hastily leaned to the side, allowing the errant sign to fly past her. With the other patrons of the restaurant, she continued to watch curiously as the girl held up sign after sign, only to have Shampoo destroy each one without even reading it. 

'I DIDN'T-' **BOOM**

"What crazy pig girl think she is, stupid panda man?! Hold still so Shampoo can give Kiss of Death!" 

'NOT ME! THE PIG DID IT! THE PIG!' Shampoo couldn't quite reach this last sign, as by now the girl had been forced to the back of the restaurant and was standing on the table in front of the boar. In her other hand she held a sign with a giant red arrow painted on it, pointing to the pig in question. 

"I'm afraid she's right great-granddaughter," Cologne interrupted, stopping Shampoo's weapon with her staff just before it would have split the table. "From looking at your injuries, I would have to conclude that the boar defeated you, not her, and the laws regarding the Kiss of Death do not apply to animals." 

Halting her assault, Shampoo looked beseechingly at Cologne, but received only a flat stare from the elder. Scowling, she returned her attention to the blonde girl and the boar, her gaze growing livid. "Fine. Pig-loving girl not worth killing anyway, but Shampoo still think tomorrow, Nekohanten special should be too-too delicious roast pig..." 

At the amazon's threatening tone, the giant boar actually stood and backed away a step, lowering its head defensively. The girl cowering in front of it, however, had gone deathly pale, and looked like she was about to be sick. _That's an awfully harsh reaction, Akane thought, but I guess it's no different from when Shampoo tried to feed Ranma poor little P-chan. What is it with her and cooking other people's pets?_

Still, something didn't seem quite right with this picture. _Wait... weren't they talking about Jusenkyou earlier? Something about a curse getting locked?_ With a start, Akane turned first to the terrified blonde who was staring in horror at Shampoo as though the other girl had just announced that they were about to eat her family for dinner, then back to the titanic beast that was trying to interpose itself between them, glaring down the amazon from across the table as if calling her bluff. _Oh no! Could it... could it be that...?_   
  
  
  


"Shampoo, what have I told you about threatening to cook guests?" Cologne interjected in a slightly impatient tone, shooting her great-granddaughter a disapproving look. 

The Chinese girl broke off her staring contest with the pig to look at the elder's face, then quickly lowered her gaze to her feet. "... Never in restaurant," she admitted meekly. "Many apologies, great-grandmother, Shampoo forget." 

Cologne regarded her abashed heir with a measuring eye before finally relenting. "Please see that you do not forget again," she chastised gravely in their native tongue. "The local health inspector is suspicious enough already without us giving him reason to wonder about what's in the ramen. Speaking of which, perhaps you should go see if your father has any deliveries waiting for you in the back." 

"Yes, great-grandmother," Shampoo gushed with a sigh of relief, bowing low to the elder. Then, after shooting the blonde and the pig one last murderous glare out of the corner of her eye, the amazon bounced off into the kitchen area. 

Ryouga was glad to see her go. Having been momentarily assailed by memories of the numerous times that she had nearly been eaten herself, Ryouga's jaw was tight with anger and shame. She watched the other girl's retreating back like a hawk. Even if it hadn't been her that Shampoo wanted to cook this time, she suspected that she'd be seeing cackling purple-haired amazons in her nightmares again for quite a while. 

Stooping to get down off of the table and continue her conversation with Cologne, Ryouga came face to wide-eyed face with Akane. Releasing a tiny, inarticulate squeak of surprise, the blonde backpedaled until she was once again pressed against the unmoving bulk of the boar. Akane had been so quiet since Shampoo had started attacking that Ryouga had nearly forgotten about her. 

__

NONONONONO! What do I say!? What should I do?! I can't let her find out it's me! Just Cologne knowing about her curse was bad enough, but the lost girl couldn't stand the thought of anyone else discovering that she was stuck as a girl, especially Akane or Ranma. 

The beast seemed to sense her agitation. Ryouga could feel powerful muscles that weren't her own grow tense against her skin, primal violence embodied, restrained only by her touch. Its coat was coarse and thick; the animal scent of it filled her nostrils and clung to her clothes, but just this once she didn't mind. She wanted to disappear into that jungle of fur and fleas and musk, never to be seen again. 

Akane just stared at her, not saying a word, and Ryouga dared to dream that just maybe she hadn't figured it out. The painfully familiar look on the brunette's face, however, brought this fragile hope crashing down in flames. It was a look she'd been given so many times before, the first favor that Akane had shown her and the last that she ever wanted to deserve. 

Pity... so close to sympathy, but also to disdain. Ryouga didn't want to be pitied, especially not by Akane. When her beloved looked at her that way, it always made Ryouga feel angry and powerless, yet somehow warm and protected, secure and insecure at the same time. It was so confounding; how could she ever hope to truly win Akane's love, if she couldn't even win her respect? 

Whenever Ranma somehow eked out a victory over her, Akane pitied her. Whenever Ranma picked on her when she was P-chan, Akane pitied her. Whenever Ranma managed to trick her into thinking that somebody actually cared about her, Akane pitied her. But if Akane found out that she was stuck as a girl, Ryouga was afraid that Akane would never _stop_ pitying her...   
  
  
  


"R-Ryouga-kun? Is that you?!" Akane stuttered in shock, pointing an accusing finger at the lost girl. Ryouga shook her head vehemently, refusing to meet Akane's gaze, not uttering a word for fear of giving herself away. 

The heir of the Tendou dojo was not so easily fooled. "It _is_ you!" Leaning forward to take a closer look at the blonde, Akane's face twisted into a mask of confusion. "You're a... girl? Ryouga-kun, how did this happen?" A look of realization flashed across Akane's face, and she stifled a small gasp of horror behind her hand. "Oh no, did you get lost and fall in Jusenkyou?" 

"A-Akane," Ryouga squeaked, but she could say no more, her vocal cords seized by panic and dread. Raising her head to meet Akane's stare, hoping that her face could say what her voice could not, Ryouga suddenly felt a warm, trickling sensation down the back of her head. 

Spinning, she found a puzzled Ranma standing above her with a tipped teakettle in his hand. "Huh, what's the deal? If ya really are bacon boy, that should'a changed ya back, unless yer... Hey, are ya _stuck_ like that?!" 

Momentarily distracted by the pigtailed boy's sudden appearance, the blonde girl was caught off guard when Ranma crouched down and pulled open the front of her shirt, only to stare in confusion at the plain white bra underneath. Ryouga slapped his hands away, hastily closing the ties and glowing with mortification, but before she could do more to the pigtailed boy, he flipped out of range, landing behind Akane. "Huh, looks like she's stuck, Akane," he quipped quizzically. 

When he turned back to the fuming lost girl, Ranma wore a superior smirk. "When did'ja start wearin' stuff like _that_, P-chan? D'ya like bein' a girl that much?" he goaded, casting her a disgusted look. 

Temper flaring, Ryouga leapt to her feet, an angry retort on the tip of her tongue. Much to her chagrin, however, she found she could no more speak now than she could a moment ago. Barely able to croak out a cry of frustration, Ryouga could only gnash her teeth viciously at the pigtailed boy, her face going as red as Ranma's shirt. Curling her fingers like claws, she prepared to lunge at her hated rival's throat. 

"I'm so sorry, Ryouga-kun..." 

Akane's quavering, dulcet tones, tinged with regret in the wanderer's ears, brought Ryouga up short. The blond girl's head snapped over to the source of the voice, and Ryouga felt her resolve crumble under the sad resignation in Akane's eyes. Eyes filled with pity for the poor lost girl; always just for her. She never looked at Ranma that way. 

__

Why can't you ever believe in me_...?_

Ryouga wanted to tell Akane that she would be alright, that she would find a cure and everything would work out in the end. She wanted to beg Akane to have faith her, because she would never do anything to disappoint her. The words just wouldn't come; she could barely manage a strangled sob, like her leaden heart was caught in her throat. Ryouga wanted to scream. 

"Even..." Akane continued hesitantly, offering the forlorn blonde a brittle smile, "even if you can't change back Ryouga-kun, I'll still be your friend..." 

The lost girl couldn't help but flinch at the conciliatory tone of Akane's voice. Akane would be there for her, because she needed a friend. 'But never anything more,' remained unsaid. Akane didn't think she would ever be a man again; Akane would always pity her, but never really love her, maybe not even as a friend. To Ryouga, the short distance between them suddenly felt like a thousand miles. 

"Huh. She don't look too happy, Akane," Ranma opined, ever a master of the obvious. "Maybe we ought'a leave 'er alone fer a bit." 

The dark-haired girl looked torn, but just for a moment. "I guess you're right," Akane replied, letting Ranma lead her towards the door. "We'll see you around, Ryouga-chan," she called over her shoulder, sounding happier already. 

__

Ryouga.... -chan? Blanching in horror, Ryouga's whole body almost shook with plaintive denial. She staggered forward, but Akane and Ranma just seemed to retreat that much faster. _Wait, don't leave me, Akane!_ Ryouga screamed in her mind, lips working soundlessly as she reached out to stop them. _I can do it! I can find a cure! Let me prove it to you, don't leave me alone!_

"Maybe it's better this way, Akane. Didn't ya say that ya felt sorry for whatever girl Ryouga fell in love with? Maybe she'd have better luck catchin' a boyfriend instead..." 

"You think so...?" 

Almost too stunned to think, the lost girl noticed the shadow out of the corner of her eye just in time to look up and see a dark form flying straight at her. An animal squeal of joy split the air as it leap into her arms, and all Ryouga could do in the instant before she was smashed into the floor was wonder where the boar had found a bandanna that would fit him.   
  
  
  


"I- is she okay? I didn't mean to scare her or anything..." 

__

A-Akane...? 

"Don't let it trouble you, child." A weary sigh punctuated these words, even as their speaker seemed to grow more distant. "She is... easily upset..." 

__

Who... wha...? Voices cut through the haze of confusion that clouded her thoughts like quicksilver knives, painfully sharp and real, yet impossible to grasp. Concentrating, she tried to focus upon them, hold them in her mind. At first slowly, then with jarring abruptness, the world around her snapped into focus... 

...and resolved into a mass of mangy brown fur, a set of beady, bloodshot eyes, tusks, and a wet snout. The world blinked. Emitting a muted scream, Ryouga pitched backwards in the chair she hadn't realized she was sitting in, landing on her butt and scuttling away as fast as her hands and feet would carry her. 

She'd only gotten a few feet away from the monstrosity when she found an obstacle behind her, blocking her flight. Even as she tilted her head to look back, strong arms draped over her shoulders from behind and clasped in front, trapping her. The face that greeted her this time filled her with a cold dread that made her long for the previous terror. 

"There, there..." Akane cooed, smiling soothingly, "It's all right; nobody's going to hurt you..." 

Ryouga tried to recoil from those warm, pitying eyes, but Akane's arms held her fast. Despite her own tremendous strength, hopelessness weighed upon the lost girl like shackles of lead. Unable to meet her beloved's gaze, Ryouga instead looked down at the arms that clutched her to Akane's chest like so many times before. 

The sheer irony of it almost made her laugh. Then, she'd always dreamed of Akane embracing her like this, as a person rather than a pet. Now, when she finally got her chance, Ryouga wished it wasn't so. This was no better than being held as P-chan; at least before, Akane hadn't known her shame... 

"That's better," the brunette continued, taking the stillness of Ryouga's despair for calm, "see? There's nothing to be afraid of..." Her words were quiet and measured, as if she were speaking to a small child. Akane loosened the embrace then, slightly, leaning over Ryouga's shoulder to look into the blonde's downcast face. "Ne, my name is Akane. Do you want to be friends?" 

Ryouga didn't fully register Akane's entreaty, lost as usual in her unhappy thoughts. _We can still be friends. Always just friends..._ her mind echoed hopelessly. Drawing her legs up to her chest, she wished she could become P-chan once more, that she could shrink down into her clothes and just disappear. 

Reality, however, failed to oblige. Ryouga was still a girl and was still being held, though Akane's smile was starting to look a little strained. Perhaps growing uncomfortable with the silence, the brunette tried another tack. "Hey, I've told you _my_ name, but I still don't know _your_ name," Akane prodded playfully, ducking her head a bit in an attempt to get the other girl to look her way. "I can't just call my friends 'you' all the time, can I?" 

It took a few seconds for this statement to percolate through Ryouga's brain to whatever small part of her was still listening, and then another few for her to extract the important presuppositions necessary for it to make sense. When realization finally struck the lost girl, however, she nearly passed out again from the shock. 

With fearful trepidation, one wide, luminous green eye, wet with unshed tears, hazarded to peek out from behind her thick golden bangs, searching the brunette's face for some hint of mocking. Could it possibly be true? Could Akane really not know? Nothing was said for what seemed like a very long time, until the sound of someone clearing their throat broke the silence. 

"Ahem... her name," Cologne interrupted, eyes narrowed in impatience, "is Liáng-yà. She is visiting us from China, isn't that right, child?" From the top of her staff, the crone stared pointedly at Ryouga. 

Ryouga glanced from one expectant face to the other, disbelief and incomprehension warring for dominance of her own expression. Finally, the blonde gave an uncertain nod of assent. 

"'Ren-ya,'" Akane mimicked with only marginal success, struggling with the foreign sounds. For a moment her lips moved silently, as if she were saying the name over again, though Ryouga got the impression that the puzzled look on her face wasn't due to her difficulty with pronunciation. 

The expression vanished quickly, Akane's cheerful demeanor returning in full force, though this time a hint of amusement tugged at the corners of her eyes and mouth. "That's a nice name... but I guess you didn't come from the Amazon village, then?" 

"And why do you suppose that, child?" 

"Well, that's not a..." Akane trailed off lamely as she found herself under the scrutiny of the elder's unnerving, fish-eyed gaze. "It doesn't sound like... uh..." 

Coughing a fragile laugh, Akane rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "...it's nothing, really. I like it; nothing wrong with Ren-ya." Casting a furtive glance towards the exit, the brunette stood up hastily, taking Ryouga with her. "Actually, I should probably go and tell the boys to stop looking for Shampoo." Maneuvering them back over to the table, she sat the confused and unresisting blonde in a chair, favoring Ryouga with one last friendly smile. "It was nice to meet you. I'll see you around, ne?" Then, with a cheerful wave to Ryouga and a hasty bow to Cologne, Akane was gone, the door chimes tinkling softly with her departure. 

Turning slowly away from the space that the love of her life had just vacated, Ryouga met Cologne's bemused expression with her own traditional lost one. 'Liáng-yà?' read the sign that appeared in her right hand, in passable roman letters. 

"Write it in Chinese, child," the crone replied simply, in her native tongue. 

__

Chinese? Hmm... liáng is probably 'good,' if it's mandarin, and then yà would be... Painting the characters onto a new sign, comprehension dawned on the blonde's face. _Ooh..._ She held up the board for a final inspection before turning it to Cologne. 'Ryou ga?' read the hiragana beside her name, written in kanji. 

At Cologne's approving nod, the lost girl considered for a moment before flipping the sign around. 'Can Liáng-yà really be an Amazon name?' 

The elder shook her head. "Possible, I suppose, but unlikely. It sounds like something a pig farmer would name his son; certainly not the name of a brave Amazon warrior, like Lín-sù or Lù-fâ." 

'Oh...'   
  
  
  


Turning the corner, Akane struck off at a brisk walk toward Ucchan's. Mousse could be anywhere by now, but knowing her fiancée, Ranma had probably stopped by to mooch a meal and perhaps enlist Ukyou's aid while he was there. It didn't really bother her much, that was just Ranma for you. 

Besides, she had more interesting matters to think about at the moment; the girl that Cologne had called 'Ren-ya' for instance. _Poor thing... I wonder how it happened._ Cologne had been pretty sharp, trying to hide it like that, but Tendou Akane was not so easily fooled. You couldn't deal with Amazons as often as she did without being able to tell when there was something fishy in your pork ramen. 

Still, if her suspicions were correct... Thinking back to the horrified look on the blonde's face when Shampoo had threatened to cook the boar, Akane could only shake her head in wonder and pity. As frightened and confused as she was, the girl was still so brave to have come here all the way from China, even with a companion to protect her. Akane couldn't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to be a pig stuck in the body of a human girl...   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[Author's Notes: Whew... another chapter posted, and this time in fancy HTML formatting! (Ooooh, shiny...) Unfortunately this marks the end of the relatively smooth sailing in Queen of Pigs; chapter three is still in progress, so it might take a little longer to get the next part out. Hopefully not _too_ long, but... Eheh, did i mention that i have another fic on Fanfiction.net? ^_^; Seriously, though, i'll try to get chapter three done as soon as possible, so please bear with me. Thanks as always to my prereaders, without whom this fic would never have gotten done, much less posted! Please drop me a review or an e-mail or something if you enjoyed this chapter, or hated it, or whatever! C&C is always appreciated ^_^... 

And now for our educational point of the day! Don't run! It's interesting, really... Kanji (Chinese semi-ideographic writing characters) can be pronounced many ways. There's the Chinese way, which will vary depending upon dialect, the Japanese way or ways (they more often than not have multiple Japanese pronunciations @_@), and even the Korean way (which isn't so important anymore, as Koreans use them less and less often). This is how 'Ryouga' and 'Liáng-yà?' can be written exactly the same way. (And for those of you that speak some Chinese, those are tone marks: tones 2 for 'liang' and 4 for 'ya,' in Mandarin.) 

Wai! See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Thanks for sticking with me this far. ^_^; As a special treat, time for some Omake Theatre...]   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Still, if her suspicions were correct... Thinking back to the horrified look on the blonde's face when Shampoo had threatened to cook the boar, Akane could only shake her head in wonder and pity. As frightened and confused as she was, the girl was still so brave to have come here all the way from China, even with a companion to protect her. Akane couldn't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to be a pig stuck in the body of a human girl...   
  
  
  


"ACHOO!" Wiping her nose on her sleeve, Ranma grumbled softly to herself. "Stupid Akane; didn't hafta splash me too..." 

Mousse hadn't been too happy about Ranma 'letting the kidnappers get away.' It'd taken a visit from mister fire hose, courtesy of the Tendou School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Rival Negotiation, to calm him down enough that they could start looking for Shampoo. 

It wouldn't have been so bad if Ucchan's had been open; Ukyou was always ready with a warm okonomiyaki and a hot kettle for her whenever she visited. Unfortunately, her 'cute' fiancé was nowhere to be found this afternoon. Perhaps she was still feeling a bit under the weather after that giant pig attack last week... 

Frowning, the pigtailed girl carefully steered her thoughts in another direction; no use getting worked up about something that was probably nothing. At least the day wasn't _completely_ shot yet. Ranma couldn't remember the last time that getting attacked by a pretty girl had gotten her out of more trouble than it got her into, but she supposed there was a first time for everything. 

She'd been expecting to catch hell from Akane over Shampoo showing up at school, ready for a 'date with airen.' One date wasn't that high a price to pay, when Ryouga's bar of Jusenkyou waterproof soap was on the line, but she doubted Akane would see it that way. She'd have just stolen it again, but Cologne had been holding onto it since that incident, because 'any magic can be dangerous in the hands of the foolish,' and that included just about everyone that Ranma knew. 

With Shampoo defeated and kidnapped, however, the subject hadn't even come up. Ranma certainly didn't say anything, and Mousse hadn't gotten to stay human long enough to let it slip. Ranma just prayed that Shampoo, once they found her, wouldn't ham it up too badly, hanging all over him about rescuing her so that they could 'go on too-too romantic date, yes?' 

Thinking on it further, Ranma wondered if she couldn't just quit while she was ahead. Though her life was currently almost pain-free, it was practically guaranteed not to stay that way for long whenever the Amazons were involved. Heck, maybe if Mousse somehow managed to save Shampoo, she might even consider giving the poor dope the time of day... 

But who was she kidding? When it came right down to it, everyone knew that about the only guy in Nerima you could count on was Saotome Ranma, and eventually she'd have to step in to settle things once and for all; it was a tough being a man among men... especially when you were a woman at the moment, and your clothes were soaking wet, and it was beginning to get a little chilly. 

"Maybe I'll just stop by the dojo and change," she muttered with a tooth-chattering shiver. She just couldn't understand how it could be taking so long to find them. It wasn't like ridiculously huge animals could _sneak_ around in a big city like Tokyo without drawing attention to themselves... wait, no, that wasn't true at all. Every giant beast that Ranma had been stalked by so far had managed to sneak into the city without anybody noticing them or making a fuss. What was wrong with people around here? It was probably something in the water... 

Maybe she ought to concentrate on the human half of the equation instead. Even in Nerima, freaky little blonde girls waving huge signs around weren't exactly a common commodity (not counting Mariko the combat cheerleader, as she usually only carried individual letters on cards, and she was from a different district anyhow), and Ranma knew of only one purple-haired amazon in the area. 

You'd think that, in a land of brunettes, they'd stick out like a sore thumb... but perhaps she was mistaken. Even Kunou, the most unobservant person she knew, had picked out the style rather than the fiery color of her own hair to name his 'osage-no-onna' by. Maybe everybody in Tokyo was colorblind. Ranma wondered how strange it must be to see the world in black and white...   
  
  
  


"Inspiration-chan, I swear you've hit that poor child one too many times. Look, she's becoming delusional." 

"Oh shush, you!" 

"Next thing you know, she'll be spouting off about how her whole life is just some sort of weird story that somebody else made up for their own amusement." 

"Mou..."   
  
  
  
  



	4. Who's leading, anyway?

[Substandard Disclaimer: Well, here's the next chapter, finally -_-;... As usual, i don't own any of the Ranma 1/2 characters, and Takahashi-sama doesn't know i'm borrowing them, so pleeeeease don't tell anyone ^_^; Any comments, criticism's, or anything else you'd like to say about this would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading!

~Eimii]

Releasing a regretful sigh, Ryouga sank deeper into the steaming waters of the furo. Though still pleasant, lately hot baths weren't such a thing of wonder, longing and anticipation as they had been. They just weren't as 'magical' anymore. 

She hadn't been expecting it to work, really, but since she didn't know why she was stuck, she could still hope. It only stung a little that again her hopes were dashed before her eyes like a pricked soap bubble. Ryouga and disappointment were old friends. 

It was a damn sight better than an icy mountain stream, she mused weakly, slipping under the surface for a moment. That's something she'd had to get used to again. Before he'd gone to China for the first time, Ryouga had washed in cold water more often than not. Hot springs weren't _that_ common, and heating water over a camp fire was usually more trouble than it was worth.

Jusenkyou had changed all that. A tremor of horror slithered down her spine as she broke the surface, eyes closed, shivering to the tips of her toes. That memory was again too fresh in her mind. But this time there was no escape. Damp honeyed locks hung before her eyes when she opened them, and no matter how hot it was, the water would not wash them away.

With a start, she realized that Shampoo was watching her from the doorway. Transfixed by that baleful gaze, it took a moment for it to register that the amazon wore no more than she. Glowing like a hot iron, Ryouga looked away.

It was getting a little easier. She managed to stay conscious, and not to shift around _too_ uncomfortably when Shampoo gave a disdainful sniff and ambled over to the little round stool by the bath. It didn't help that the lavender-haired girl didn't stop looking at her, though.

Ryouga's relationship with Shampoo was relatively straightforward, compared to most of the other girls in her life. She knew where she stood with the amazon; Shampoo _hated_ her. Ryouga had only the vaguest idea why, though.

Was she still angry about that mess at the school? That was stupid and unreasonable, getting so mad over such a little misunderstanding. She hadn't even given Ryouga a chance to explain! The rising irritation she felt helped cool Ryouga's ardor a bit. 

It was almost like thinking of Ranma-chan. Sure, there was a naked girl soaping down in front of her, but Ryouga cared so little for Shampoo at that moment that it didn't do anything for her... well, not much, at any rate. She ducked a bit lower and wiped away a trickle of blood under her nose, stirring the bath to dissipate the red stain on the water.

And why didn't Shampoo stop staring?! Even if the she was angry that was downright rude! Ranma had more courtesy than that! Shampoo even had the nerve to stare _harder_, and look indignant at _her_ when she got up to leave. By now Ryouga was angry enough to tell Shampoo off right there, naked or not... but instead, she clenched her fists in frustration. _AAAARGH! Dammit, you're lucky I don't want to have to kill you for giving me the Kiss of Death!_

Violently sluicing the excess water from her body with a small towel, Ryouga tried to ignore the other girl, but it was a struggle. With a weapon in her hand, it was hard to keep from taking a swipe at the amazon, and not in that oh-so-funny locker room way that he'd hated so much in junior high.

Stalking into the laundry area just on the other side of the frosted glass door to the bath, Ryouga grabbed for where she'd left her clothes, but found nothing. _Huh? _The blonde frowned in confusion and started rifling the clothes in the hamper, nearly tearing those she tossed aside as she quivered with rage. _They have to be here! I'm almost certain I undressed in this room..._

"Great-grandmother said that you'll need some new clothes if you're going to be working here, so I got rid of those slop rags you were wearing," Shampoo called through the open door, a stomach-curdling smack of satisfaction rolling off her words like heavy oil. "It's just as well; I'll bet the only thing that held them on was your own filth. I can't imagine how strange it must feel for you, to actually be clean for once, pig-girl..."

She should never have looked up that first time. Once Shampoo discovered that 'Liáng-yà' understood some of the vile Chinese insults that she spat out when she got frustrated with trying to curse in Japanese, the amazon hadn't said two words to her without tossing in a jab.

THAT'S IT! The lost girl turned to storm back into the bath and... do something unpleasant, she just didn't know what yet. Then Ryouga's eyes fell on her signboards and brushes. It seemed Shampoo hadn't thrown everything out.

Hah! Two can play at this game; I know insults that would make your ears shrivel right off, you amazon bitch! Or maybe your eyes... All she had to do was remember them. Ryouga had never been great at verbal fencing, but she'd spoken with more foul-mouthed sailors and soldiers than any land-locked village girl could possibly imagine. Grabbing a few signs, Ryouga began copying down the nastiest, most indescribably low insults to lineage that she could recall.

"Any amazon warrior will kill you where you stand for that one, you know. And you'd pray for death after what she'd do to you for the next," a familiar, wizened voice observed wryly from somewhere over her shoulder.

The brush clattered to the tiled floor, falling from numb fingers as Ryouga went from smoldering red to deathly white before progressing finally to a sickly green in a single heartbeat. _OH DEAR GODS, NO! NONONONONONONO! SPARE ME, I'M TOO YOUNG! _Squeezing her eyes shut, Ryouga frantically tried to banish even the tiniest germ of the thought of Cologne bathing from her mind. _FORGET THAT! I'LL _NEVER_ BE OLD ENOUGH TO SEE THAT!_

Ryouga could hear Cologne pogoing around her as she spoke. "You're shivering like a leaf, child. Have some sense for once and put on some clothes if you're cold." 

'Shampoo threw away my clothes,' she replied, turning the sign to face where the elder had stopped; at least, she hoped that's what she said. Her hands were none too steady at the moment.

"Hmm..." Sounds of rustling cloth followed, and she felt something light and silky thrust into her arms. "Put this on for now, I've something to discuss with you." An indignant squawk from the bathroom told Ryouga who the donor of her new clothes was. "Well? Hurry up child, or do you intend to give Mousse a show when he returns? It's doubtful he'd appreciate it, even if you did..."

Mousse? She- she wouldn't... would she? Cracking one eye, Ryouga released a shuddering breath at the sight of Cologne, still by the mercy of the gods fully clothed. Far from a pretty sight, but still better than the alternative.

After practically being stuffed into Shampoo's pants and blouse by the impatient elder, Ryouga followed Cologne into the empty common room of the restaurant. The boar brought them a fresh pot of tea and two cups as they sat, then went back to wiping the tables with a damp cloth.

"Later, I will have to ask you about that one," Cologne remarked conversationally, amusement pinching the corners of her owlish eyes.

An indelicate snort was Ryouga's reply. After getting over the imagined horror of Cologne in her birthday suit, her anger at Shampoo had returned. Even the amazon's displeasure at furnishing the lost girl's replacment clothes was a source of only fleeting satisfaction, as the fit was far from perfect. 

Though similar in build, Shampoo was slightly taller and more slender all around, and apparently liked her clothes _tight_. Resolving to find replacements as soon as possible, Ryouga tried not to move too much; there must be some sort of amazon shallow breathing technique that she didn't know about. 'There was something you needed to talk to me about?' The blonde made her impatience plain on her face, as the sign didn't quite capture it.

"Before we go any farther, put that foolish thing away," the elder snapped, gesturing at the sign with one gnarled finger. "If you cannot take this seriously, then I see no reason why I should go to the effort of aiding you."

Seeing where this conversation might be leading, Ryouga was quick to comply. _Has she found something so soon?? Or does she just want to ask me more questions I can't answer?_ Folding her hands carefully around her teacup, Ryouga did her best to look patient and attentive.

"Better," Cologne conceded doubtfully. "Now then, when you went to Joketsuzoku, whom did you speak with?"

Reaching automatically for the sign, the blonde got a smack on the wrist for her trouble; it didn't hurt, but the old hag must've hit some sort of pressure point with her staff, because her fingers went numb. Scowling, she opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again with an audible click under the elder's withering gaze.

Wait, I didn't tell her I went to the amazon village... Ryouga frowned, peering at Cologne suspiciously. The mummy was playing games with her... and she couldn't do anything about it, she realized, not if she wanted the amazon matriarch's help. Gritting her teeth in frustration, the lost girl looked down at hands, willing them to be still.

A wry grin wrinkled Cologne's raisin of a face. "Has the cat gotten your tongue? Shampoo harps constantly that Mukou-dono's other women cannot understand a proper insult when they hear one, but you don't have that problem, do you? Perhaps she's just taking advantage of having someone around who reacts so amusingly, unlike Mousse..."

Without batting an eyelash at the anger that purpled Ryouga's face, Cologne took a sip from her tea before continuing. "But that is between you and her. If you... do not wish to speak of this now, then so be it." A raised brow accompanied the significant pause. "Perhaps we will talk later, when you are in a more hospitable mood..."

Oooh, that dirty old troll! I... wait, did she just-

"For now, however, I expect your journey was long, even by your standards, and you must be tired," the elder finished in a tone that said that the conversation was at an end. "You may use the attic while you stay here. Rest well, for tomorrow you work for your answers..."

With that, Cologne finished her tea and bounded off into the house, leaving Ryouga to stare into her own untouched cup. Finally, the lost girl just shook her head, huffing an aggrieved sigh. Snatching up the sign like a child grabbing a favorite toy, she stalked toward the stairs to the attic...

Fortunately, the boar found her before she got more than a block away.

****

Queen of Pigs

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

Chapter Three: Who's leading, anyway...?

Day broke over Nerima in a cool, early autumn haze. It was only an hour since the dawn mist had burned off, and already the streets were alive with the sounds of people going through their Saturday morning routines. Far from the lazy suburb that it seemed at first glance, Nerima slept lightly and woke early. Trouble knew no time or place, just like various other things that involved martial artists; revenge, amazons, marriage, etc. 

Unsurprisingly, today's commotion started, or at least spilled into the open, along the old canal road. Residents along that fated thoroughfare locked pets inside and peered warily over their property walls at the small procession that was slowly making its way south, toward the Tendou dojo. 

"Are you sure he came this way?" The conservatively dressed teenaged girl with pink highlights in her hair was attractive enough. The nervous worry on her face made her look cute and helpless. But danger could wear a pretty face as easily as a terrible one; this was doubly true in the town where Saotome Ranma lived.

What drew the most scrutiny, however, was her companion. The white and brown pig turned to loom enormously over the girl. With huge, staring eyes set in a mountain of flesh underscored by corded muscle, it seemed ready to fall upon her like a landslide. Instead, it nodded almost enthusiastically, and then gestured with one trotter at the road ahead.

"Okay, I believe you Katsunishiki. Please keep going," Unryuu Akari assured her protector with a smile. She hadn't really doubted him. Pigs were incredible scent trackers, and Unryuu pigs were the pinnacle of porcine perfection. At her nod, Katsunishiki pressed his snout to the ground again and continued walking. 

She just hoped her impatience didn't show too much. She couldn't remember how many other trails they'd followed before; her quarry's scent seemed to crisscross the entire district like a crazy quilt, old trails mingling with new ones until it was nearly impossible to tell whether he was coming or going or long gone.

But Katsunishiki seemed confident that he'd caught a recent one this time, and Akari couldn't help but trust in him. He always tried so hard to please her. He would lead her to her perfect man without fail, just like he'd found that man in the first place. 

Strangely, he had seemed almost reluctant to follow the trail at first. When they were searching near the local high school the other night, it was as if there were another scent that he _needed_ to hunt down, needed it strongly enough that it nearly overrode his training. 

She'd almost let him; the closer she got to her objective, the more nervous she became. "...Oooh, I hope he doesn't think me too forward, showing up on his doorstep to ask him out," Akari worried to herself, chewing her lip uncertainly. There were so many things that could go wrong. What if he thought she was too plain, or too much of a country girl? What if he was still angry about Katsunishiki attacking his friend? What if he already had a girlfriend?

Oh, that would be a disaster! She'd waited so long for this opportunity, she just couldn't give up now. But how could she in good conscience try to take such a strong, wonderful, pig-like boy away from someone who already had him? _First following him home, and now such thoughts; I'm already becoming as brazen as a Tokyo girl!_ The notion made her blush and fidget under Katsunishiki's worried gaze. A splash and an angry cry made her look up again.

"What did'ja do that for, ya crazy tomboy?!" the redhead demanded between sputters. Pulling herself out of the water and over the fence about half a block down the street, she began wringing the bottom of her sodden silk shirt, glaring at her companion. 

"You stay away from her, Ranma! She doesn't need any more trouble," the shorthaired brunette replied testily, fists on her hips. 

The pigtailed girl snorted derisively, looking insulted. "Jeez, I just asked what she looked like! 'S not like I asked if she had bigger..." Why was the redhead looking at her like that? Perhaps it was Katsunishiki; Akari smiled and placed a hand on his flank, to show that he wasn't dangerous.

Meanwhile, the second girl was glaring dangerously at the first. "Bigger _what_, Ranma?" Her eyes promised much pain if the answer displeased her.

"Uh... a..." The redhead seemed torn between watching Katsunishiki and cringing from the brunette's fiery gaze. "A bigger p-pig than you? I'll betcha miss P-chan a lot, right?" She replied hurriedly.

At first, the shorthaired girl looked incredulous, and then confused. A glimmer of hope appeared in the pigtailed girl's eyes. Then the scowl returned tenfold, the brunette's face growing dark with rage. "You pervert! Don't even _think_ things like that!" 

Akari winced at the sharp slap of flesh on flesh that followed. Making way as the second girl stalked past, still glowering indignantly, the sumo pig trainer shook her head sadly. Swine envy could be such an ugly thing.

Turning to the redhead again, she found the poor girl backed up against the barrier wall opposite the canal, nursing a glowing red handprint on one side of her face as Katsunishiki sniffed at her. "Katsunishiki! Stop that and be polite." 

Hurrying over, she stood at the girl's side as the pig reluctantly backed away. What had gotten into him, all of a sudden? "Are you alright?" Akari asked soothingly. "He doesn't mean any harm; he's not dangerous at all if you don't provoke him," she was quick to assure, when the redhead drew away.

The pigtailed girl didn't really seem frightened anymore, but the wary look remained. Some additional smoothing over was necessary, then. "I'm sorry, but we couldn't help but overhear your conversation. There was really no call for what she did, I think... but that's none of my business. I apologize for eavesdropping." Placing a hand on Katsunishiki's head, Akari made him bow with her.

"I- Uh... yeah. That's okay," the girl answered finally, looking a little wild-eyed when Katsunishiki started sniffing at her feet again. "Sorry, gotta go!" Then, with barely a nod, the redhead was off like a shot, turning the first corner and disappearing.

"Katsunishiki, where are your manners!?" Akari demanded, rounding on the pig with a mildly scandalized expression on her face.

But the mammoth swine wasn't paying attention to her, instead almost pawing the ground with impatience. He nodded urgently in the direction that the girls had departed, his eyes pleading that she understand.

"Wait... his scent was on those girls?" Nod. "Stronger than the trail we were following?" Nod-nod. "Hmm..." Looking worriedly up the street, then back the way the girls had come, Akari nodded resolutely. "Very well. Follow them, Katsunishiki. We can at least ask if they know him..." A tug on his fur brought Katsunishiki down so she could climb on his back. 

And if one of them is his girlfriend... The butterflies in her stomach returned, fluttering madly. She would have to deal with that when, and if, it came.

"Darling Shampoo, Old Monkey, I have returned!" Mousse sensed the stick rushing up to strike his head, on the left side this time, only moments too late to avoid it; one day, however...

"Who's an old monkey?" Cologne snapped sternly as he felt her land beside him. A _tiny_ bit of the iron that was normally in her voice was missing this morning; perhaps she was finally starting to warm up to him. 

Or, perhaps she was just taking him that much less seriously. The old hag rolled over his sudden frown without even seeming to notice. "Did you manage to find all the _correct_ herbs I sent you for this time, or will Mr. Part-time be having weed soup again this week?"

Grimacing as the taste returned to him from his nightmares, Mousse climbed to his feet and thrust out the cloth sack he held. "I found them. Don't blame me if all the plants in this country look alike." He'd made sure to ask a woodcutter living on the mountain this time, just in case. All the man had wanted to talk about was boars acting strangely, but he seemed to know his herbs well enough.

Gnarled hands that he could only assume were Cologne's took the bag from him, and he heard the elder humming critically as she sifted through the tied bundles and smaller packets inside. "Good enough," she conceded at length, sounding as though she was just barely satisfied, and even then being generous. "Come. We are having breakfast, and afterward I have some chores for you to do until we open for lunch."

Mousse held his tongue about not having gotten much rest the previous night; complaining would most likely just lose him a chance to eat before work. Instead, he stoically followed the bounding blur of Cologne to the kitchen, navigating the restaurant mostly by memory. At least Shampoo would be there; he'd barely set foot in the door after searching for hours before Cologne had bundled him off to hunt herbs in the mountains. All he'd been able to get was her assurance that Shampoo was safe and asleep in bed.

The moment he entered in the room, he felt as though he'd stepped under an icy mountain waterfall into the arctic waste, and a hungry polar bear was eyeing him. He shivered in spite of himself. The sharp click of Cologne's staff continued to move away, unmindful of his discomfort.

"This is Liáng-yà," Cologne explained from where she sat in front of a large, squarish brown blur that he didn't remember seeing before; had they gotten a new freezer? "She has just come from the mainland, and will be staying with us for a short while."

Almost afraid of what he would see, but too morbidly curious to resist, Mousse tilted his glasses down before his eyes. He stared at the scene before him for a full four seconds before pushing them back up again with a shudder. There had to be some law against people looking at each other like that.

Shampoo and the golden-haired girl halfway down the table were exchanging glares that should have killed the both of them, and Mousse wasn't sure it wouldn't still. If he was going to catch any of that, and with Shampoo here that was almost a certainty, then he didn't want to see it coming.

Sitting down at an empty space that'd been cleared for him, thankfully not between the girls, he pulled a bowl from his sleeve and reached for where he'd seen the rice cooker, to serve himself. As the elder, Cologne wouldn't serve him, and he didn't want to attract the attention of either of his other neighbors.

"Does it taste good?" Shampoo asked sweetly, like honey drizzled on a razor blade. "It's a family recipe; out in the field, when there is often little in the way of game or forage to be had, Joketsuzoku warriors pride themselves in being able to make a feast of the most unpalatable things. Why, I'll bet you can't even taste the pork..."

Mousse could almost feel the satisfaction radiating from Shampoo like a furnace as the girl across from him began to cough and gag. Once she'd recovered, the heat from Liáng-yà's corner of the table was enough to curl his hair, but surprisingly no retort came. 

That worried him. From the feel of her battle aura, the girl was angry enough to chew stones and spit out daggers, yet she remained completely silent. If she were screaming at the top of her lungs, then the worst he'd have expected was a fight, but now he wondered if he shouldn't stick closer than normal to his beloved, to keep her from a knife in the back. Or the Smiling Three Year Death; he gave an involuntary shudder.

The rest of the meal passed in much the same way. Periods of uncomfortable quiet were punctuated by viperish quips from Shampoo, which Liáng-yà endured mutely, though more than once he felt as though the blonde was on the verge of throwing something. 

Mousse didn't understand why Liáng-yà would take exception to many of the things Shampoo said. They seemed to have a lot to do with pigs and pork, but were not always offensive, such as that first one. He also got the impression that the other girl was picking at her food like it might be poisoned, as if the rest of them weren't eating the same. 

Fortunately, being out of the loop saved him from getting his hide flayed off in strips by any of the women, this time. As usual, Cologne assigned him the dingiest and most menial chores that could be found, and then left him to clear the table. The elder was going to be doing some research this morning, so with an admonishment to stay vigilant in her studies, her favorite grandchild was left to her own devices until lunch.

Liáng-yà was also given a few slightly less demeaning chores to do, as well as a shopping list. Mousse was beginning to get the impression that the girl simply didn't speak. The sunflower blur of her head bobbed as Cologne gave instructions, and sometimes more complex communication seemed to be exchanged, but Mousse was sure he didn't know how. She breathed not a word the entire time. 

Once Shampoo left to change, the master of hidden weapons let the others fade from his perception, concerning himself with getting the Nekohanten ready for another day of business. Cologne didn't seem to think the girl a threat, and if Shampoo was safe then it was none of his affair. That suited him just fine.

The quiet girl didn't cross his mind again until he was halfway done with yesterday's dishes, which Cologne had so kindly left in the sink for him to do. A knock on the doorframe announced that he wasn't alone, but he was still startled that he hadn't heard anyone come up behind him. 

"What is it?" he asked, managing to hide his surprise as he turned to look over his shoulder. As an answer, the blur walked up and tugged on his sleeve; that brought a look of confusion, until he realized that yellow hair said his visitor was Liáng-yà, and Cologne's guest was apparently a woman of few words.

Stripping off the soapy rubber gloves that protected him from the lukewarm dish water, Mousse tugged his glasses down over his eyes and found himself looking down at a small rectangular box, wrapped in shiny red paper and trimmed with gold-worked string. Liáng-yà held it out in front of her, staring at him expectantly from behind her spray of golden fringe with one deep emerald eye.

"For me?" At her nod, he accepted the package, noticing for the first time that there was a card attached to the top, the same color as the expensive-looking red paper. Flipping it open, he felt a smile split his face as he read the inscription, then looked up again. "How did you-?"

At this point, several things became evident to the near-blind martial artist, now that he was wearing his glasses. Among them was that Liáng-yà was a very attractive girl. She also seemed to have borrowed one of Shampoo's form-hugging outfits. She was half a head shorter than his beloved, but the blue silk blouse and pants were ill fitting in other ways that probably added fuel to the fires that burned in Shampoo's eyes as she glowered at them from the doorway.

Making the package vanish before he had time to think about how that might look, Mousse never let the smile slip from his face. He was suddenly in a very good mood. "What can I do for you, oh light of my life?"

His entreat went unanswered, as Liáng-yà and Shampoo seemed to be warming up for a rematch of their earlier staring contest. Finally, the lavender-tressed girl broke the standoff. "Great-grandmother wants to add some things to that list she gave you," she hissed dangerously. "Hurry up and go, you lazy sow; your lover's eating the plants outside."

'Eating the plants? Lover?' What the hell?? The 'lover' comment seemed to infuriate Liáng-yà even more than being called a sow. Mousse had already taken two steps back from the frightful battle aura that sprang up around her before he realized his error.

Impatiently tapping the lip of her teacup with a folded paper fan, Cologne cast a glance at the clock. _Where is that girl?_ She'd sent Shampoo to find Ryouga half an hour ago. Her peculiar pet was still waiting outside, so she couldn't have left yet; had she gotten lost already?

Looking again towards the kitchen, a peculiar sound caused the elder to quirk one incredulous eyebrow. With a sigh, she lifted her cup to take a sip just as Shampoo came flying though the doorway. Sprawling awkwardly across the tabletop, the younger amazon released an explosive breath as the wind was knocked out of her. She lay there for a moment, stunned, as Cologne eyed her in disapproval. 

She didn't stay that way for long. Eyes widening, the lavender-haired girl flipped backwards to land on her feet, grabbing a handy chair to narrowly deflect the serving tray that buzzed through the air to split the table she'd lain on. Grabbing one neatly sawed half in either hand, she flipped the ruined table up to block the two platters that trailed the first.

Their thrower followed only moments behind. Dragging what had to be twice her weight in chains, the blonde girl wore a feral snarl as she turned to face Shampoo. A panicked Mousse rushed in after her, but was pulled to the ground when she leapt, the chains trailing from his sleeves pulling taut behind him.

Working frantically, he set his legs on either side of the doorway as he was dragged back, and Ryouga's attack was arrested in mid-flight. Crashing to the floor just out of reach of her target, the lost girl snarled silently and began clawing across at the floor, making slow progress as Mousse held fast at the other end of her leash. 

Shampoo wasn't idle, however. The Chinese girl wore a look of outrage as she pummeled her chained foe with anything that was at hand. "I'll teach you not to attack an amazon, you stupid beast!" Chairs met with a quick end, and tables lasted little longer in Shampoo's hands, but nothing seemed to faze the struggling blonde. "Why won't you fall, damn you?! You really aren't human!"

Smashing aside the coat rack that the amazon was flailing at her, Ryouga was wild-eyed enough to make Shampoo's ranting seem reasonable. Barring her teeth in a soundless roar, the lost girl gave one final, mighty tug, lunging at Shampoo as the chains suddenly went slack.

Mousse, still straining on his end, was confused for a moment, before he glanced back into the kitchen and a look of horror washed over his face. A second later the standing freezer hurtled through the doorway, taking half the wall with it, and crashed down on top of him, still trailing the chains that were wrapped around behind it. 

Crying out in surprise, Shampoo fell back into a defensive stance, far too late to avoid Ryouga's crazed attack. The Chinese girl could feel the jaws of defeat closing around her; it seemed a painfully apt metaphor, the way the blonde was lunging for her throat. 

Suddenly, a brown blur burst from behind a potted plant by the front entrance, streaking between the two combatants. Hooking wickedly sharp tusks through the web of chains that still enshrouded the lost girl, the boar reared up and bolted out the door. 

His mistress wasn't the only thing he dragged with him, however; jerked along like a puppet on a string, the icebox whipped around the room in a dizzying arc before wedging in the doorway. Shampoo only had enough time to blink in confusion before she was slammed into the wall as it grazed her in its flight. 

"Great-grandmother... I- I think I'm going to take a nap now..." The lavender-haired girl mumbled groggily, sinking to the floor.

Setting her teacup down on the counter by the kitchen window, Cologne shook her head sadly. "Overconfidence will be your end yet, child..." dropping down from her staff, she walked over to pick up her unconscious charge.

The elder was halfway across the room when the freezer door swung open, hanging on one hinge before finally falling off completely. A mountain of rapidly thawing food, a pile of chains, weapons, and white robes, and one much-abused duck spilled out onto the restaurant floor.

"Ah, there you are Mousse," Cologne observed wryly. "Hurry up and get changed; it appears that your chores will have to wait until after you've gotten the restaurant back in order."

Once the elder was gone, Mousse weakly raised his head to look around. There wasn't a piece of furniture standing in the room. There was also a hole in the wall where the kitchen door used to be, huge square dents in two of the other walls, and a freezer lodged in the entryway. Topping it all off was a small pond forming in the middle of the dinning room floor. Uttering a despairing 'quack,' the amazon-turned-duck hung his head in defeat.

__

Stupid pig..., Ryouga thought irritably as she set about the task of untangling the wreath of chains that she was draped in. She cast a sour glance at the boar, but the mangy lump of fur wasn't in any position to notice.

A quick look around had proven disheartening. They were nowhere near the Nekohanten, or anywhere else that the lost girl recognized. It was just her luck that the boar couldn't read, and bludgeoning it unconscious with a sign that said 'STOP!' had taken too long. 

At least she could still express her displeasure at her untimely abduction. There were other ways to get a point across, and the blond intended to introduce the dumb beast to a few of them as soon as he woke up. What had he been thinking, barging in like that in a middle of a fight she was _winning_!? 

She'd almost been able to _taste_ victory, and she could still remember the look on Shampoo's face in that final moment. _Not so smug anymore, hmm?_ Ryouga would have taught that bubble-headed bimbo a thing or two about humility... and then Shampoo would have given her the Kiss of Death.

Woodenly, the lost girl turned to look at the unconscious boar. _It couldn't have been- could it?_ She didn't remember ever explaining to him about the Kiss of Death, and it's not like the thing could have read about it in the Big Book of Amazon Laws or something...

Shaking her head, Ryouga returned her attention to freeing herself, but thoughts of punishing the boar seemed less attractive all of a sudden. Maybe, just this _once_, she could let it slide. Even if he couldn't have known, the boar had still managed to keep her from doing something she'd have regretted later.

Mousse had tried to do the same, but at the moment Ryouga was feeling far less well disposed towards the half-blind amazon. He'd certainly done a job on these chains. Frowning, the blonde tossed aside another dead end and stared at the hopeless tangle of steel links that criss-crossed her torso. There _had_ to be an easier way to do this.

Fingering a link near the center of the Gordian knot that Mousse had made (would that make it a Moussian knot?), the lost girl suddenly had a minor epiphany. _Well, duh._ Though she wasn't exactly Alexander the Great, Ryouga couldn't help but feel kind of stupid for not thinking of it earlier. Poking the hammered steel ring with her fingertip, she was rewarded by a sharp crack as the link shattered. 

"SQUEEE!"

Looking up, Ryouga noted that the boar was awake again. He was giving her a pleading, 'Why me?' look as he picked jagged shards of metal out of his hide. _Hmm... Better be careful or I'll end up shredding Shampoo's shirt off._ Placing one hand on the animal's flank, she nodded curtly towards the street.

After a final, long-suffering grunt, the boar complied, ambling back out into the road. Ryouga followed along, keeping a firm grip on his fur, since he knew where they were going better than she. Short lengths of chain dripped off of her as she continued to work on the links while they walked.

PANG! _I wonder what else Cologne wanted me to buy..._ **SPAANG!** The boar danced at Ryouga's side as a chunk of chain ricocheted between his legs. _Whatever it is, I hope she sends her crazy hellcat granddaughter after it, so I don't have to see her face when I get back._ **PA-PING! **_...huh?_

Eyeing the puddle of links that had just fallen away, Ryouga could swear that the chain had shattered twice, in two different places. But she'd only used the bakusai tenketsu once, _so how...? _

Running her fingers and eyes over the heavy knot of metal that sat atop her chest, Ryouga tried to follow the twists and turns of the chain, feeling for the unique metaphysical note that would ring the end of each piece. Then she took her hands away, closed her eyes, and tried again. 

It had taken a couple hundred repetitions, but Cologne had successfully drilled it into her head that you didn't actually see the bakusai tenketsu with your eyes, or strike it with your finger. It wasn't really a 'point' in that way. If that was true, then maybe the mysterious 'breaking point' didn't necessarily have to be right-

There! As she flicked the last link on a loose end she'd made, Ryouga's ears detected a soft click from deep inside the mass of steel. The lost girl felt almost giddy as she rolled her shoulders and the knot of chains unraveled from within, sliding down to pool noisily at her feet. "Hah! Imagine that! I wonder why she never..." 

Stopping, the blonde girl shook the chains from her arms and slowly brought a hand to her mouth. A wide, fang-toothed grin split her face. "... I wonder why she never told me about that," Ryouga continued, mostly to hear the sound of her own voice again. "I'll have to ask her when I get back..."

Looking down at the pile of metal at her feet, Ryouga crossed her arms and considered for a moment. The boar shifted a little uneasily as Ryouga glanced up at her companion, then back down at the chains, a strange smile on her face. His mistress almost never smiled, and he wasn't sure if it was a good thing yet.

"Um... excuse me? Ma'am, are these the only yellow shirts you have?" 

Turning from her game of Mahjong with the grocer and two of the district's long-suffering policemen, the owner of the _Xīe Xía-mì China Boutique_ raised an incredulous eyebrow at this intrusion. Scraping her chair around, the handsome Chinese woman gave her guest a measuring look.

The petite girl was holding up a saffron mandarin shirt with lacquered ties and a short, _qipao_ styled blouse in gold silk. Sesame could tell with a glance neither of the items in question would fit, but she needn't have seen the shirts to know that. From the downcast look on her face, the girl was aware of this as well.

With her fair hair, sharp features, and emerald green eyes the child cut the figure of Qinghai tribal if she'd ever seen one. There were some peculiar things swimming in that gene pool; just one more reason Sesame was glad to be out of the valley.

She'd also spoken in the Qinghai dialect. "Are you Liáng-yà?" the shopkeeper asked, dropping into the distinctive variation that was used around Joketsuzoku. 

"I... yes, I am," the girl answered in turn, sounding a little puzzled. She smiled awkwardly, as if she were trying not to look guilty. 

"Elder Kū-lóng called ahead. These should fit you." Reaching under the table, Sesame pulled out a paper wrapped parcel and pressed it into her bewildered customer's arms. She'd spent most the previous evening doing alterations, but it was not wise to refuse a request from an elder of the Amazon village.

That didn't mean she had to forget that she was the mistress here, however. "Some in the boxes near the door may serve, but if you want anything fitted, leave it on the counter when you pay. Unless it's marked, blouses are 3750, pants 5000, and dresses 12000, alterations extra. If you want to haggle, come back later," she instructed, turning back to the far more pressing matter of her game.

At least she wouldn't have to baby sit this one. Any child under the watchful eye of Cologne could be trusted to pay a countrywoman for goods, if not damages, lest the elder hear of it. Taking things without a fight reflected poorly on a proper amazon.

A small commotion across the store, a clattering of hangers and hushed, hurried voices, made Sesame roll her eyes. _Speaking of reflecting poorly on proper amazons..._ While any business was welcome in this land of salarymen and sailor-fuku, there were some things she could definitely do without.

"Are you _sure_ that's her?"

"Are you blind?! Who else could it be?" 

"But didn't she have a big pig with her?"

"Does it look like there's room for a pig in here? She probably left it to guard Shampoo-sama, wherever she is." 

Fussing self-consciously with the o-dango buns in her hair, Azuma 'Lotion' Kanami cast an uncertain glance at her comrade, then turned to peer over the ragged line of boxes and clothes racks that snaked drunkenly through the room. "I dunno... wasn't she taller?"

"Stop- …stop being such a coward!" the other girl snapped, at the last moment remembering to lower her voice.

"B-but Yuu-chaaan, what can we dooo? She beat Shampoo-sama!"

"No, her pig _ambushed_ Shampoo-sama! There's no way she would have won otherwise; you saw how Shampoo-sama had her on the run," the shorter girl declared testily. Her boyishly cut, cobalt-blue hail bristled in irritation. "And for the last time, my name is Rinse!"

"Ah! Sorry... That was sooo scary," Kanami-_nee_-Lotion squealed, tearing her eyes away from the blonde to peer around fearfully. "It just came out of nowhere, like a monster on one of those shows we watched when we were kids... D-do you think it could be here n-now?"

"Don't be stupid! If it was that close we'd hear it or smell it or something." Still, the amazon formerly known as Fusen Yuuki took her own cautious look around. "Just keep your eyes on the little witch. We'll-"

"Uh... Rinse-chan? She's gone..."

"WHAT?" Bursting out from behind a rack of silk pajamas, 'Rinse' scanned the room, a shocked expression on her face. Sure enough, the hated kidnapper of their beloved Shampoo-sama was nowhere in sight.

"BAKA! Why'd you stop watching?!"

"I was scared!"

"An amazon fears nothing! Remember that, or I'll really give you something to be scared of! Now c'mon!"

"But my _blouse_..."

"You can come back to buy it later! Let's GO! She couldn't have gotten far..."

"Waaaah..."

With an exasperated sigh, Ryouga shuffled out of the cramped bathroom in the back of the store that served as the fitting room. Closing the door to look into the full-length mirror on the outside of it, she regarded her reflection with a sullen frown. _Why'd she have to chose _red_?!_

The clothes that Cologne had ordered for her did indeed fit as promised, but that was about the only positive thing that she'd be willing to say about them. Turning to one side and then the other didn't make the view any better, and finally Ryouga gave up. _I should've guessed she'd do this._

It wasn't that the outfits were unflattering; exactly the opposite, in fact. She'd long since gotten over seeing herself, but Ryouga still had to fight down a blush of mortification at the way the silk pantsuit hugged the curves of her body. It was about the same cut as the one she'd 'borrowed' from Shampoo, but now that she didn't have constant discomfort to distract her, she couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious about how little it left to the imagination. 

And then there was the color. _Bleah... At least the ties are up the side, and not the front._ She'd have worn the blue one, except that the monogram pattern on that one was of silver _boars_, and she certainly wasn't going to wear the dress, even if it was yellow. _Crazy, shameless amazons..._

Unfortunately, she hadn't found anything else in the store that would fit without lots of alterations, so it would have to do until she could look elsewhere. _I'll do that first,_ she resolved, after a final look in the mirror. Stooping to gather up the other two outfits, which lay folded neatly outside the bathroom door, the blonde wanderer went nearly as red as her shirt. _Okay, underwear first. _

Discreetly picking her pants out of her butt, Ryouga brought her purchases to the counter. As uncomfortably tight as her previous clothes had been, she'd nearly been able to forget that she was going 'commando style' this morning. _Dammit, I went through hell to get those panties- and that bra!_

Scowling, Ryouga set her bundle on the counter to pay. The lost girl left the correct amount from the small purse Cologne had given her, glancing back to make sure the shopkeeper had noticed. Then, as she retrieved her things, her eye fell on Shampoo's outfit on top of the stack. _Hmph! No, unlike _somepeople_, I'm not that childish..._

"What do you suppose _her_ problem is?"

"I dunno; what's she doing over there?"

"It looks like she's talking to the Colonel Sanders statue outside..."

"She looks like one of those Amazons! Maybe she's blind, like the waiter at the Nekohanten."

"Hmm... or she might just be an idiot."

Her interest piqued by the not-so-quietly gossiping college students at the next table, Akane glanced up from her lunch to look out the window. _Ah! It's her!_

"Hey Akane, you want the rest 'a that?" Ranma asked, indicating the rest of her fiancé's fried chicken, but the youngest Tendou was too distracted to answer. Scooting out of the booth, Akane quickly made for the door.

"Huh?" Taking the brunette's silent departure as a 'no,' the redhead took a moment to inhale the remains of their meal before standing up and following Akane out. "Whassup?"

"Shh!" Akane hissed, waving Ranma back as she peered through the glass doors. Remembering how timid the blonde had been the day before, Akane grabbed a serving tray and held it in front of her face, but the girl outside didn't appear to have noticed them.

"E-excuse me..."

She is_ talking to the statue!_ Stifling a gasp of surprise, Akane inched closer to the doors so that she could hear better.

Her lips turned down in a deadly-kawaii little fang-toothed frown, the girl stopped and started again. She looked like she was having trouble. "Excuse m-me, b-but... I'm looking f-for p-p-panties..."

Though squeaky and unsure, the girl's voice was a surprisingly earthy alto; after a moment, Akane decided that it fit her, even as small as she was. _Poor thing. Everything must be so confusing for her,_ she lamented sympathetically. Still, Akane had to marvel at how well the pig-girl spoke Japanese, even if she was talking to a statue. Idly, she wondered how long 'Liáng-yà' had been cursed. _It must be very hard; she seems so shy..._

After another halting attempt, the badly blushing blonde sighed and crossed her arms under her breasts, staring at the ground thoughtfully. Then, looking at the statue again, she raised one hand as if trying to get the Colonel's attention. "E-excuse me! C-Could you tell me where the p-pan... U-underwear is...?"

"Hey, is that _her?_" Ranma asked curiously, looking over her shoulder. "Huh... I guess I can see why you'd be so jealous, Akane. They _do _look a lot bi-"

****

CRUNCH!

AAARGH! That won't do either! No matter how she said it, Ryouga couldn't think of any way to ask about underwear that wasn't mortally embarrassing. Even just practicing, she'd already decided to give up on trying to say 'panties,' and a chill ran down her spine at the mere thought of shopping for a bra. _Never again, _she promised herself. _I'll figure that out _alone_, somehow. If only pigs could read..._

With a weary sigh, she tried to will the flush away from her face and turned once again to regard her current nemesis, the great and terrible Colonel Sanders. If she couldn't ask a damn _statue_ where she could find underwear, then she'd never be able to ask a flesh and blood person. "Excuse me, but-?"

"Yes, can I help you?"

Hastily climbing back into her skin, Ryouga took a few steps back, warily regarding the stony face of the Chicken King. _Another possessed statue?_ Then the true owner of the voice peeked out from behind the wise and inscrutable Colonel, and the lost girl nearly fainted.

"Ah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you," Akane blurted, rushing forward and dropping the broken serving tray she was holding so that she could help steady the swaying blonde.

Why gods?! Why do you torment me so?! It took a few moments for Ryouga to gather enough of her frazzled wits to think clearly. _Wait! Don't panic! She doesn't know who I am! I can't change back, so as long as I don't do anything suspicious everything will be fine! _Taking a deep breath, Ryouga ventured a tentative glance up at the taller girl at her side. She nearly lost her nerve again when Akane smiled at her, but she did manage to return with a shaky smile of her own.

"Are you okay now?" the brunette asked. "You remember me, right? I'm Akane, we met yesterday." At Ryouga's shaky nod, Akane finally released her shoulders, taking a step back. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that," she added apologetically.

Ryouga shook her head in the negative, indicating that Akane shouldn't worry, though her heart was still beating a-mile-a-minute. Rubbing the back of her head, she gave her secret beloved another embarrassed smile. _Aaaargh! She caught me practicing! Now she must think I'm some kind of moron!_

But to her surprise, Akane didn't seem the least bit pitying or patronizing. "I was really impressed by how well you spoke," she gushed, beaming encouragement at the lost girl. "You must be working very hard to learn Japanese!"

Oh yeah, she thinks I'm Chinese, Ryouga realized belatedly. _I guess it makes more sense that way._ It was still pretty embarrassing, though.

"Can you say, 'My name is Ren-ya?'" Akane urged playfully, eliciting another blush from Ryouga. The brunette seemed entirely too enthusiastic about this for the blonde's comfort.

Still, it'd probably be best to humor her. When Ryouga opened her mouth to speak, however, only the tiniest whisper emerged from her throat. _Nooo! Not again! Must stay calm! Everything is fine!_ Trying to still her racing heart while Akane was staring at her like that was an exercise in futility, but she wouldn't give up that easily. Even if she stumbled over every other word, Ryouga had grown very fond of being able to talk since her last visit to China. "...my n-name ii... iis...," she managed in a slightly more audible whisper, on her third attempt.

"That's it!" Akane cheered her on. "You can do it! No need to be shy."

It was no good. By now half of the shopping district must have been staring at them. Feeling all of those curious eyes on her shut Ryouga up like her voice had been flipped off with a switch. _Damn..._ Turning even redder, the wanderer looked down at her feet, nervously crinkling the paper-wrapped bundle in her arms.

Her enthusiasm dampened slightly by Ryouga's lapse into defeated silence, Akane put a comforting arm around the smaller girl's shoulders. "That's okay. You don't have to talk if it makes you uncomfortable, but you really were doing great. Shampoo's been in Japan for nearly a year, and you sounded more natural than she does."

Bending down to better see the small, hopeless smile that curled the lost girl's lips at that last remark, Akane noticed some writing on the parcel in Ryouga's arms. "Hmm... what's this say?" she asked, pointing at the Chinese words. "'Clothing,' or...?"

Producing a brush pen, Ryouga quickly translated the line into Japanese, grateful for the distraction. 'Clothes for Liáng-yà.'

"Oh! But why would you be buying clothes for Ryouga?" While the blonde girl went into immediate cardiac arrest, Akane curiously pulled back the wrapper, which had been mostly shredded by Ryouga's fidgeting. _Those_ clothes certainly didn't look like they'd fit the lost boy. They were the same style as her current companion's very nice and new-looking outfit.

Peering closely at 'Liáng-yà,' she flipped the wrapper back to reveal the writing. "Is this how you write your name?" The accused nodded weakly, guilty as charged. "Wow! I have another friend named Ryouga who writes his name exactly the same way! That's kind of neat- Ah, watch your step!"

Helping the petite girl to her feet, Akane took a better look at Ryouga's new clothes. The lost girl suffered a full-body blush when she saw how Akane's eyes lingered, a hint of color rising in the other girl's cheeks as she obviously noticed a couple of significant omissions in the blonde's wardrobe. Akane was the first to recover. "Soo... I guess you were going to buy underwear next?" she suggested, this time thankfully keeping her voice low.

Ryouga just nodded, averting her eyes. One silver bullet dodged, somehow, but now Akane probably thought she was some sort of pervert. _Why don't you get it over with and kill me now_, she thought bitterly to whatever cruel gods might be watching. _How much more indignity must I suffer?!_

"Ne, I was going shopping too! Why don't we go together?"

... I hate my life.

[Author's notes: This will be the last mostly 'setup' chapter, i promise! -_-; I tried to squeeze some quality, plot-advancing stuff in, really i did, but nothing ever works out the way i plan it to... Ah well, at any rate the next chapter should be pretty busy in terms of people meeting each other and exchanging challenges/blows/pledges of undying love and such, so please bear with me. As always, i could never have done this without the help of my wonderful prereaders and the support of folks who C&C or reviewed to let me know that someone out there was reading; thank you, everyone! ^_^ Now, without further ado, on with the Omake! Thought i forgot about them, didn'cha...?]

"At least lemmie finish before ya hit me next time, ya stupid tomboy!" Ranma grumbled loudly, pushing open the glass doors of the KFC and picking pieces of brown plastic out of her hair. _Jeez, try ta be nice and look where it gets ya..._ What Ranma had been _trying_ to say was that the blonde girl's breasts did look a lot bigger than Akane's, but that it might have been partly because she was so short.

But Nooo; Ranma never deserved the benefit of the doubt! "Is a little patience so much ta ask... Akane?"

Strangely, there didn't appear to be any sign of her fiancé outside the restaurant. "Oooi, Akane?" Looking around the corner yielded yet another strange absence of girls who were trying to marry her for one reason or another. How odd; she'd been expecting at least one.

In fact, that weird blonde girl- 'Rinya,' or something- seemed to be missing as well. "Awww... dammit, Akane! Don't tell me ya went and got kidnapped again!" Crossing her arms, the redhead blew her bangs out of her eyes with a put upon sigh. _And she tells _me_ not to mess around with the girl. Sometimes you can be so dense, Akane..._

She _had_ snatched Shampoo, after all. Akane hadn't been too forthcoming with details about how that had turned out, except to warn Ranma in no uncertain terms to stay far, far away from the Nekohanten, so that sounded like a good place to start looking. Although it'd be stupid to take her second victim to the same place, they'd had some _really_ stupid kidnappers in Nerima. 

"'Least she could'a left some sort of challenge letter or somethin'..." It was mostly the rivals that did that, though. "I guess we gotta do this the hard way, again." Turning to go, Ranma found herself face to snout with the second largest pig she'd ever seen. "Uwaaaaa!"

Peering up at the redhead's new perch in the arms of the Colonel, the boar rose up on its hind legs and tilted its head to the side quizzically. _Oh yeah, she had a boar too... _Climbing down carefully, Ranma turned an incredulous gaze up at the massive animal. "So... I guess ya ain't just gonna tell me where yer owner took my fiancé, eh Mr. Pig?"

Blinking, the boar looked left and right, then lifted one trotter to point down the road toward the center of the shopping district. Helpfully, he indicated the length of chain that was wrapped around his neck like a collar and leash, leading off into the distance.

"... oh." 


	5. You can't run forever

Standard Disclaimer + Authors's Notes + A Small Warning ^_^;...  
Hey all! Back again, after waaaaay too long with nothing written. Sorry for the delay! I don't own any of the original Ranma 1/2 characters, and i don't have Takahashi-sama's permission to use them, so let's just keep this to ourselves ^_~. There can't be that many people reading this anyhow -_-;... Also, as an author's note, i've been informed that women working at department stores in Hong-Kong, even if they have perfectly servicable Chinese names, will go by an 'English' name when working with the customers; weird, but true. Next, the warning. This is one of the chapters where this story earns its PG-13 label, since it's got some mild innuendo and sex (or at least breast/underwear) humor. Just thought i'd put it out there, though really, if you watch or read canon Ranma 1/2, you probably wouldn't be bothered by anything that goes on here. Finally, much thanks to Jen-chan for prereading this farce; i _really_ couldn't have done this chapter without you! Any comments, criticisms, reviews, or rants can be sent my way by the review page or e-mail, and would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading!

~Eimii

"... and so a growing girl like you should really take better care of her body. You wouldn't want to hurt yourself or anything, right?" As the girl reluctantly shook her head, 'Mary' Fêi Qīng-wēi breathed a quiet sigh of relief. It had taken her the better part of two hours to convince the vividly flushing blonde that she should wear a bra, but the dedicated attendant's efforts had finally paid off.

As a reward, she allowed herself another long, appreciative glance, while the shy girl was still occupied finding new wonders in the carpet at her feet. She didn't _really_ do much to hide the reasons why she preferred to work hands-on with the customers rather than at the till, but some people were just so easily upset by any little show of interest that she tried to limit her indulgences to when they weren't looking.

It'd been harder than normal on this particular occasion. The quiet little country girl, probably fresh from the mainland, was just so _cute_. She was also more 'woman' than a lot of the college students that the salesgirl knew, and Qīng-wēi guessed that she couldn't be older than thirteen or fourteen. _Tough age; she must have just gone through one heck of a growth spurt..._

Qīng-wēi's own bout with puberty had been much kinder, or harsher, depending on your point of view. Despite working in the lingerie section of a major Hong-Kong department store, she'd never really needed to wear a bra herself, but it didn't bother her. She was okay with her body, and it had been an unexpected boon when she'd been applying for this job. She was less likely to make the more modestly endowed customers uncomfortable, after all.

Unfortunately, sometimes it had the opposite effect on customers more like her current one. But the poor kid had been blushing like a neon sign since even before she'd shuffled nervously into intimate wear in search of panties. Like most teenagers, what the girl _really_ needed was a serious self-image boost. Qīng-wēi had tried to be as supportive as possible while she explained why wearing a bra would make everyday life more convenient, and make some of the curves her body was throwing her at the moment a little bit less of a hassle.

Of course, she could only restrain herself so long before rushing on to the part that she'd been fantasizing about since she'd found out that the girl had never bought a bra before. "Well then, why don't we get started? Step over here and we'll find out your sizes," she said sweetly, pulling out a tape measure and gesturing to a small, mirrored booth.

'Sizes?'

Undeterred by the blonde's odd tendency to 'speak' with wooden signs, Qīng-wēi nodded reassuringly. "Finding a bra that fits right is very important, so we need to know what size you wear. Just turn around and lift your arms above your head; it won't take but a moment." Though hesitant at first, the girl finally complied. Grinning impishly, Qīng-wēi grabbed the bottom of the blonde's shirt and hoisted it up and off before the petite girl could protest.

"...O_O!"

"Calm down, I just need to take some measurements."

"...-_-;"

"Be nice, now; I can't do anything if you don't uncross your arms. Please just hold them out to the side. It's not like you've got anything that I haven't seen a hundred times before..."

"...o_O!"

"Eheh... sorry, are my hands are little cold? Ah, if you keep squirming around like that, I'll- ooh! Hmmm... Pretty firm, and you've got nice muscle tone too. Do you work out much? Maybe we should find you a few sports bras as well..."

"...^_^;"

"It'd be a shame not to have a few sexy things to show this off, though, and you'll definitely need something to just lounge around in. I'll bet you'd look great in a halter top too, but I'd have to show you how to shave your armpits; do you have a little while?"

"...;_;!"

*****

"Come on, I think she went this way!"

"Oh dear..."

"Ren-ya! What's wrong? There's nothing to be afraid of!" Peeking under a display rack, Akane motioned for the attendant to go around the other side. _What could have startled her this time?_ Though Liáng-yà was obviously still shy about talking to strangers, Akane hadn't been expecting her to run away. 

First, she'd practically had to pick the blonde up and carry her into the lingerie section. Then, the moment the matronly old saleswoman had taken out her measuring tape, Liáng-yà had frozen like a spooked deer. Sympathetic, Akane had suggested that she take the measurements instead, to make her more comfortable, but the small girl had just gone redder, before finally cupping her hands over her face and bolting down the aisle.

Weird; it's like the animals in China have more modesty than the people, she observed, thinking of a certain shameless, lavender-haired hussy. _And that boar was certainly more civilized than any Amazon I've ever met..._

Queen of Pigs...

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction...

Chapter Four: You can't run forever.

Sighing, Ryouga reached back to unclasp the bra and throw it onto the 'maybe' pile. Why did finding a bra that fit have to be so difficult? She knew they made them in her size; that salesgirl in Hong Kong hadn't- Hastily, the lost girl applied the trusty mental mosaic filter to that train of thought. She was trying to keep the nosebleeds and fainting to a minimum, at least while she was surrounded by nice, well-meaning people who wanted to see her in her underwear.

Akane and the saleswoman had only caught her because she'd stumbled into the active-wear section and passed out after remembering... other things that had happened that day. Blushing, Ryouga wondered if she still had Qīng-wēi's number; she hadn't been entirely in her right mind when the girl had given it to her. But now that she safely had a large body of water between them, perhaps she could call the overly 'friendly' salesgirl to ask what bra she should buy.

Except that she had to be able to talk to use the telephone. For the umpteenth time cursing a certain Amazon hag, the blonde girl turned to regard the next item in the seemingly endless parade of cute undergarments that Akane had selected for her. It was another set; she stared in horror at the matching thong. _There's no way in Hell I'm wearing _that_!_ She'd stick with the set of boy-cut panties she'd grabbed earlier, when they were looking through the prepackaged ones.

But her pair of vigilant 'helpers' seemed insistent that she try on everything they brought for her. Then she had to model it for them in the cramped little stall so that they could pull and poke and adjust, and make her do embarrassing things like bend over or run in place. At least she could be thankful that Akane and the saleswoman were staying reasonably practical, noting the distinct lack of frills and lace on most of the things littered around the small fitting room.

Glancing at the curtain self-consciously, Ryouga held the light lavender brassiere to her chest and looked in the mirror. She took an immediate dislike to the color, and the tag revealed it to be another slight variation in the size trend. They hadn't quite gotten it right when they'd measured her while she was out. _I wonder if Akane measured me..._

"Ren-ya, are you okay in there? Does that one fit?"

Aaah! Startled out of a vividly imagined, sinfully pleasurable caress, Ryouga slapped a hand to her nose, but the blood was already running down her chin to drip onto her chest- and the bra! _Dammit! I _am_ turning into a pervert!_ Scrambling to find something to clean herself up with and put on before Akane decided to check in on her, it was a moment before the lost girl noticed the boar's wide, bloodshot eyes, filled with concern as he peered down at her from over the walls of the stall.

The uncomfortable tableau held for a several seconds, until a distant crashing sound caused the boar to turn away. He lost some fur off the top of his shaggy head a moment later, beating a hasty retreat under a buzzing hail of undergarments. The wild-eyed lost girl waited to made sure he was gone before lowering the whirling handful of bikini briefs she'd been preparing for the second barrage. Absently, she wiped her nose and chin, then glanced down to realize she was using the bra as a handkerchief. "..."

Somewhere, a twisted little old man burst into tears.

Holding the soiled garment away, Ryouga looked down at herself in disgust. _Ugh, what a mess..._ There were still a few smears of blood on the tops of her breasts, and she was tempted to use the brassiere to clean them off, since it was ruined anyway, when an unexpected jiggle shivered through those twin mounds of unwanted flesh. "..."

I didn't do that, she mused, as another ripple sent them swaying slightly. Crossing her arms self-consciously, the blushing blonde knelt and put one ear to the floor.

THUMP! Blinking, Ryouga listened harder, tuning out the faint screams coming from the other side of the curtain so she could figure out where the vibrations were coming from. _BOOM!_ _Hmmm,_ the strongest ones seemed to be coming from two places, both of them a reasonable distance away though still definitely on the same floor as her. _TH-THUMP!_ And they sounded like they were getting closer. _RRRUMBLLEE...** CRASH!**_

Drawing himself to his full height and shaking his head, Katsunishiki gave a mighty squeal of rage before he exploded out of the ruined booth, knocking yet another gaping hole in wall that separated the fitting rooms from the rest of the store. On the other side, standing amidst the mangled remains of the pantyhose display wrack, the boar set himself to meet the charge. 

At the last moment, however, something jerked him off balance, and both of the massive swine went down, tumbling through the edge-wall and into the large atrium that filled the center of the building. The boar's leash clattered after them, dragging noisily across the tiled floor until finally a struggling Ranma-chan holding the end whipped over the side as well.

Meanwhile, back in what was left of the changing rooms, Ryouga groggily pulled herself out of the wreckage. It hadn't hurt much really, but having the ass of a sixty-stone _pig_ land on your _head_ was a traumatic experience, no matter what the circumstances. Stumbling over to the railing, the stunned blonde stared down in confusion at the chaos below.

The megafauna population of Nerima seemed to have increased by 7% while she wasn't looking. She'd certainly never seen that giant pig before, and she'd seen a lot of pigs in her time. Sobering instantly at that thought, Ryouga took a fearful glance around, but noted with no small amount of relief that there were still only two swine tumbling around in the store's food court. 

It also appeared that at some point Ranma had gotten herself hopelessly tangled up in the chain that Ryouga had fastened around the boar's neck. That seemed to happen rather often; she wondered if Mousse had started using trick chains. She also wondered where the boar learned to crack such a mean whip. As Ranma was tossed around like a screaming, red-haired flail, Ryouga suddenly imagined the pair of porcine titans clad in leotards and snapping gymnastics ribbons at each other as they clashed across the tabletops.

"Ren-ya, what's wrong?!" Akane shouted as she rushed up to the smaller girl, who was hunched over, hugging herself and shaking uncontrollably. As the worried brunette got closer, however, she saw that it was mirth and not pain that shone in the blonde's sparkling green eyes. It took a little longer for Ryouga to notice Akane fussing over her, as she kept glancing down at the battle below. Her stomach was starting to hurt, she was laughing so hard.

The other girl finally made her presence known to Ryouga when she felt something warm and soft draped around her shoulders. Wiping tears from her eyes, the lost girl looked up to see a very red-faced dojo heiress clumsily trying to keep all of Ryouga's goods inside a fluffy white bathrobe; it was no mean feat, with their owner was fairly convulsing with laughter.

After Akane narrowly saved her from pitching over the railing as she lept back in shock and embarrassment, both girls slumped against the edge-wall to calm down a bit. Akane was the first to recover. "... Wow, they're still going down there, aren't they?" she observed, staring at the carnage below.

Indeed, the giant swine still appeared to be going strong. The pig had obvious advantages in size and strength, but the boar fought with dizzying speed as well as the sheer, bloody-minded tenacity that Ryouga had come to so despise in the breed. The queer pig-sumo style that the pig used to push his opponent around the landscape made a bizarre contrast to the twisting, darting movements of the boar.

Ranma, on the other hand, seemed to be unconscious. Ryouga couldn't hide the silly grin that again split her face. _Okay, that's two things he's good for..._

"C'mon, Ranma should be okay. Let's go see if we can find your clothes," Akane suggested pragmatically, leading the disappointed wanderer away from the most fun she'd had in weeks. After a few minutes of sifting through the wreckage they quickly found the four outfits and five other pairs of panties that 'Liáng-yà' had to her name.

Seeing the lost girl's obvious reluctance to put on the silky, sheer pantsuit however, Akane nodded to herself resolutely and dragged Ryouga back to one of the less damaged sections of the store, shoving her in yet another changing room. Thankfully, her stay in this particular zip code of Hell was much shorter than her last, and when they finally left to check on the wayward fiancée, it was a slightly happier little blonde girl that Akane led by the hand down the escalator. 

Ryouga was now clad in a pair of baggy olive-green cargo pants, an off-the-shoulder burgundy sweater and a mostly serviceable black sports bra. A few similar items were stacked in her arms, but sadly this included no other good bra prospects. Ryouga was just relieved that Akane had only picked out two skirts, and both of them were significantly less embarrassing than anything in her small pile of Chinese clothes.

The scene that greeted them when they finally arrived at the food court was nothing short of total carnage. Storefronts were smashed in and every table and chair in sight was either shattered or overturned. Debris crunched under their shoes as they circled the atrium, and an unfortunate band of city animal control officers lay in an unconscious heap in one corner. Center stage, however, still belonged to the mighty pigs.

It was a pair of fading giants that danced slowly around the field, both of them on all fours as their strength waned. Then, as if by unspoken agreement, each stopped and dug in their hooves, charging forward in one final contest of might. The impact shook the building like only two tons of heaving, sweaty pig-flesh can, and when the dust cleared they could see that only one of the swine still stood. Placing his fore-hooves on the back of his defeated foe, the boar reared up and pointed his tusks to the sky, squealing his victory to the piggy gods above.

"Katsunishiki!" Emerging from the wings, Unryu Akari ran up to kneel beside her fallen champion. "Oh no... Katsunishiki, how could this happen?" she wailed softly, cradling his great head in her lap.

Meanwhile, Akane went around to examine her thoroughly concussed-looking fiancée. "Urgh... these chains are pretty strong," Akane grunted as she tried to break them, after failing to disentangle Ranma from the mess.

"Yeah, they're..." Ryouga trailed off in embarrassed silence as Akane turned to look at her; an encouraging smile lit up the brunette's face. "...Mousse's," she finished quietly. She breathed a sigh of relief when Akane nodded happily and returned her attention to the unconscious redhead. Slowly, the mad butterflies in her stomach calmed some, thankfully not fluttering up to settle on her vocal cords again.

After a moment, a shy entreat drew both of their gazes aside. "Um... pardon me?" the girl with pink streaks in he hair ventured as she approached.

Hmm, maybe she's Musk. Herb has multi-colored hair, the lost girl mused, warily setting her bundle down to free up her arms. The streaks were cute, but they seemed to clash with the rest of her, and the Musk _did_ practice animal-based martial arts. The girl herself didn't exude any sort of combat readiness, but Ryouga could sense the pig starting to stir.

Akari seemed to be largely ignoring her, however, instead keeping her attention focussed on Akane. A feeling of impending doom washed over both of the Nerima regulars, as the next words left the Sumo pig-trainers mouth. "Do you know where I could find Saotome Ranma?"

The pigtailed girl's head hit the ground with a solid thud as Akane dropped her like a hot potato, and Ryouga broke out in a cold sweat when she saw the veins throbbing at Akane's temple. "Why do you ask?" the brunette drawled sweetly, her smile looking frighteningly strained.

"So wait, Ranma defeated your _pig,_ so now you have to date him??"

"Well, I don't _have_ to date him," Akari admitted with a blush, "but I really would like to meet him again and see if me might be willing to... to..." The long-haired girl clapped her hands over her burning cheeks and looked away, not noticing the incredulous stares she received from across the table. "Oh, I don't know what's come over me! I'm just so happy that I found such a wonderful, pig-like man to beat Katsunishiki!"

"P-Pig like?!" Ranma sputtered, coughing as some of her tea went down the wrong way.

"Oh yes! At first I couldn't believe it; he was handsome like a pig, and strong like a pig, and clever like a pig, and gentle like a pig and..."

As Akari continued to enumerate Ranma's pig-like virtues, Ryouga couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on the pigtailed girl's face. "He sounds like a pig among men," the blonde added giddily.

"Hey, now-!"

"Yes, that's exactly it! You _do_ understand!" Akari squealed, beaming at Ryouga and clutching a fan to her chest. "He's just so perfectly pig-like, I can't get him out of my mind! Katsunishiki and I were following his trail so I could ask him to go out with me when we ran into you this morning. That's why he got so worked up. He smelled Ranma-sama's scent on you..." Turning to the suddenly pale redhead, Akari put on the most innocent, hopeful, fearful look that Ranma had ever seen. "Um... if you don't mind me asking, who are you to Ranma-sama?"

"_I'm..._ uh..." Looking at the thunderheads in Akane eyes, Ranma had the feeling she'd be on the receiving end of her fiancé's wrath no matter what she said. "That is... I'm..."

"A pig among women," Ryouga suggested helpfully, causing some of the gathering storm clouds to migrate from Akane's face to Ranma's.

"Look, I don't... What? What is it now?" Ranma's rebuke died on her lips as she shuffled nervously under the look of shocked understanding that the pig-loving girl was giving her.

"Of course; I should have realized it sooner!" Standing up, Akari stared with tear-filled eyes at the heavens. "You're testing me, to see if I'm worthy of the Perfect Man!"

"Uh... hold on there, that's-"

"It's just like in a story! Right before I can proclaim my love, my champion is defeated by another pig... trained by my destined rival, a Pig Among Women!"

Ranma _really_ didn't like the intense, slightly unhinged stare that Akari was giving her now. "Wait a sec-"

"But I _will_ prove my worthiness!" the brunette shouted, causing the others to hop back a step, then scramble to keep from spilling their tea. "I will train Katsunishiki and I will train myself, until I too am a Pig Among Women! Then, after many trials, I will face my arch rival again, and triumph!" Frothing waves crashed around her as Akari posed defiantly, shaking a delicate fist at the sky. 

"And with my victory, I will restore the honor of the Unryuu School of Sumo Pig Training, and earn the blessing of heaven for me to date the Perfect Pig Among Men, Saotome Ranma-sama!" As Katsunishiki wheeled away the HDTV display system that had provided his mistress's dramatic backdrop, Akari knelt again to clutch Ranma's hands in her own. The stars in her eyes made the pigtailed girl cringe. "Please, please tell me your name?"

"Sa- Saotome..." A glance at her two companions was little help; Akane and the blonde looked just a confused as she felt. "Saotome Ran...ko?" Immediately the redhead had the sinking feeling that she'd made a grave mistake.

"Oh- oh, I see! That's wonderful!" Akare seemed elated at hearing 'Ranko's' name. "Are you his sister? A cousin, perhaps? Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you Ranko-sama! I _will_ prove to you that I'm worthy of Ranma-sama's attention, just wait and see!" Releasing Ranma's hand she bowed again as her fallen champion trotted up behind her. "We will meet again, Saotome Ranko-sama, and this time I will be ready!" With that, she fairly vaulted onto Katsunishiki's back, and they thundered off in a cloud of dust.

Looks of ultimate disbelief were exchanged all around for several moments, before the boar finally stood up and started putting away the portable table and tea set they'd borrowed from a nearby display. Dusting debris from her skirt, Akane followed suit, pointedly looking away from Ranma as she gathered up her own purchases. "Well, you certainly handled _that_ well. Now you have another rival and/or fiancé; I hope you're happy."

"Hey, it's not my fault this time! What about her stupid pig?!" Ranma growled, pointing at the smirking lost girl. "_She_ should be the damn 'rival!'"

For a moment Akane seemed to consider this, then turned to look at her new friend. In response, Ryouga put on her best attempt at the doe-eyed, innocent expression that had served her so well as P-chan. "...Don't be so petty, Ranma. We can't blame animals for acting like animals," she decided with a disgusted snort in the direction of the fuming redhead. "Besides, does it even matter who the 'rival' is, if the pigs are the ones who fight? You should have just told her about the curse."

"Hey, ya think I wanna spread it around like that? Besides, what if she freaked out or somethin'?"

"So nice to see you giving such thought to your 'girlfriend's' feelings for a change, Ranma. I hope you're happy together."

"Aw... c'mon, Akane! Don't be like that! I..." Their voices faded into the distance as the pair left the store, Akane walking quickly, trying to ignore the pigtailed girl as Ranma continued to argue in her defense.

Forgotten, Ryouga just shook her head and grinned, feeling much better disposed toward the world than she'd been when she left the Nekohanten that morning. It was bewildering sometimes, how trouble seemed to find Ranma wherever he went. Granted, he caused most of it himself, but it was still uncanny. _Now, if only he'd stop getting other people involved,_ she mused wearily, picking up her new clothes and giving the underwear a pained look.

At least Akane was gone, and she had a slightly better idea of what size bra she wore, but she still dreaded going to another store and risking more 'assistance.' Looking across the devastated food court, she spied an untouched payphone near the door, and remembered an idle thought from earlier. While she picked her way across the battlefield, Ryouga rummaged through the pockets of her borrowed outfit, transferring things into the pockets of her current clothes.

In the process, she located one of the international calling cards that she habitually carried- and what luck, it was the one she'd picked up in Hong-Kong. On the back was a phone number and a note, stamped by a slightly smeared lipstick butterfly. 'Call me next time you're in town! We'll go do something fun ^_~... _-Mary._'

Swallowing a nervous lump that rose in her throat, Ryouga lifted the receiver and dialed before she could think about it enough to change her mind. _She's in another country. She can't do anything to me from there..._

*****

Setting down his bowl on the Nekohanten back step, Mousse breathed a sigh of relief; _finally_ the lunch rush was over, and he could take his break. As he sat and began searching in his robe for a pair of chopsticks, his questing hand fell upon the package that Liáng-yà had given him earlier. Reverently, he pulled the red-wrapped parcel from his sleeve. Reading the card again, the half-blind amazon spent another moment smiling like a fool; _'To: Mousse, From: Rinse.'_ Despite all the trouble their guest had caused earlier, _this_ made her visit worth it.

Chewing his lip, Mousse stared at the bright red wrapping impatiently. He'd been planning on opening it in the privacy of his room, later, but... Unable to contain himself, he began unfolding the corners of the wrapper, taking care not to damage the expensive-looking red paper. A few moments later, he saw the plain brown of cardboard underneath; the box was big enough to hold a small photo album, and on the cover was a folded letter.

Mousse started scanning the first lines of the letter as he removed the cover, but stopped after he caught sight of the box's contents. "Oh my... he didn't-" The letter fell from his fingers as Mousse reached into the box, extracting a double handful of gleaming metal and lacquered wood. "Father's broadsword collection..." Setting the stack of ancient swords on his lap, collected from generations of defeated opponents, he unsheathed one of the exquisite blades to see it in the light. In the other hand, he picked up the letter again, and began to read. _'To Mousse, I hope this finds you well. A joyous birthday to you, my son, for you are now a man...'_

"Thank you father," Mousse murmured quietly, laying the naked blade across his palms and bowing his head for a moment of silence. Sheathing the sword, he continued reading. _'I regret not being able to present these to you in person, but a more_ conscientious _son might have thought to send his poor father some word of his whereabouts, and perhaps a letter once in a while. However, I think I understand your reasons, perhaps better than you know. You are forgiven in any case, as is due by your passage into manhood, but otherwise as well...'_

The young amazon breathed a sigh of relief at the pardon for his oversight. His father wasn't a strict parent, but at the same time he was Mousse's master, and could be hard as any amazon warrior that Mousse had ever met, with the possible exception of some of the elders; they were just scary. With the initial formalities dispensed with, however, the letter switched to a more conversational tone. 

'Please be sure to give Xiâng Liáng-yà my thanks as well as your own. If we hadn't chanced to meet her on the ferry to Hong-Kong, you likely wouldn't be reading this now. And if you_ aren't reading this now, remember brave soul, distance is nothing to an amazon. I, Rinse of Joketsuzoku, swear that every hand that these swords pass through before they reach my son's will feel the full wrath of 3000 years of amazon martial history. But it shouldn't come to that. Young Miss Xiâng seems like a very nice, honest girl. If you were ever inclined to listen to anyone's advice regarding your romantic pursuits, may I suggest that your old father wouldn't mind having her as daughter in law. But, since I expect you're still as set in your course as ever, it's at least heartening to know that you're doing well and making friends even out in the barbarian lands.'_

Mild confusion seized Mousse as he considered this information. He couldn't remember ever seeing the quiet little blonde before that morning, though admittedly he probably wouldn't recognize her if he had. Cologne had introduced her as though they were meeting for the first time, but it was possible that Liáng-yà had known the elder and Shampoo previously, which might explain why she knew where he could be found. The way she wrote her name also seemed strangely familiar, but any significance it held was blown away by what his father wrote next.

'While we're on the subject of romantic entanglements, I have remarried!' Shocked to the core, Mousse had to reread the sentence several times to make sure he'd seen it right. _'I realize you're probably surprised. I am as well, really; it feels like it was just yesterday that I was courting Soap, and then before I knew it we were in front of the council on the night of the harvest festival, proclaiming our intentions before the elders. But after the furor died down, they gave their blessing, and I hope you will as well.'_

Setting aside the unfinished letter, the hidden weapons master took a deep breath and leaned back, staring at the sky. It just didn't seem possible; Mousse had never had any sort of real mother figure, unless you counted the various older women that took care of children around the village, and his father had never seemed inclined to find one. But Rinse had always supported Mousse as much as a concerned parent could when Mousse had started wooing Shampoo, so far be it for him to begrudge his father a chance at the same happiness that he wished for himself.

Still, Soap... the name sounded very familiar. But then it was a common amazon name, one passed down for generations all the way back to the founding. It gnawed at him though, like there was something important about this particular Soap, aside from her marrying his father. _Soap, Soap... Who- wait, there_ was _a Soap who was about the right age to marry father, I think..._

****

"AAARGH! NOOO!"

And the skies wept.


End file.
